A very special cat journal. And announcing shows in NYC and Richmond!
Dear Journal,
I’m on a plane heading back from the first ever Traverse City Comedy Arts Festival. The guy next to me is on his phone doing a MAJOR business deal. And I know this, because he’s shouting into his phone, “THIS NEEDS TO BE BETWEEN YOU AND ME!” Somehow I feel like I am now part of his inner circle.
There’s talk that cell phones will soon be usable during flights. If that happens, I’m going to be making a lot fewer trips to…anywhere.
And I have a few trips planned for the coming months. In April I’m going to Richmond, a city I haven’t visited in years. I used to play a club there that was simply called “Comedy Club.” You guys hate proper nouns too? Awesome. Sure, I’d love a cola.
This time I’m at the “Funnybone” – and frankly this name is a little more confusing. Is it a practical joke shop? Is it a bone doctor?
In May I’m making the trip to Tampa, which should answer some of the angry mail I got when I recently performed in Miami but didn’t go to EVERY PART of Florida. Dear Florida, I don’t think you realize how big you are. You’re almost the size of Alaska.
Which reminds me, Dear Alaska, sorry I haven’t visited any part of you lately. You are very big also. Tell the bears I said hello.
In the middle of all that, I’ll be performing at Caroline’s in New York City and possibly making an appearance on my favorite TV show that isn’t Cake Boss.
I’m looking forward to a little time away this weekend. It’s been a tough week for me because my wife Jenny and I have a cat named Miss Lucy and she’s very sick. Whenever I tell people this, they always ask me, “Is it one of your gay cats from Two Drink Mike?”
And I’m always like, “No, but those cats are awesome.”
When I first met Miss Lucy she was very shy. She spent most of her time under the bed. She was a shelter cat, so we always thought she might have had a tough life before us, like she was in some kind of New York City cat gang, like the Hell Cats, or the Tuna Tasters.
And she’s never been that friendly to our other cat, Ivan, who sounds like a tough Russian cat, but is really just a spoiled American cat with a Russian first name. Please stop me if I sound like an insane cat blogger.
But Ivan and Miss Lucy have never been friendly to strangers or, even, to each other. Which always seemed strange: you’re a cat. You live in an apartment. You’ve got two humans who speak gibberish and then you’ve got another cat that looks a lot like you and at the very least you get the gist of what he or she is saying. That takes a lot of balls to not make nice with that other cat. In the case of Ivan, he literally has no balls. Ok, I’m a cat blogger.
This is my cat Ivan cheating on his wife, Miss Lucy, with a teddy bear.
But over the past year, something beautiful happened. Our cats started spending more and more time together, and eventually became very amorous. Again, Ivan has no balls, but they snuggle. Miss Lucy became very charming and her only unattractive quality is that she sticks her ass in your face. By “your” I mean mine, Jenny’s, and Ivan’s. Jenny and I believe that we inadvertently taught these cats how to love. When we got married at City Hall, we investigated the possibility of marrying the cats to each other. We discovered that you CANNOT marry two cats to each other, but you CAN marry your cat. This is probably a big feather in the cap of gay marriage opponents who say things like, “What’s next, you marry your cat?” Apparently, yes. You marry your cat, unless you are a cat.
Well, last week Miss Lucy had a kidney problem, which led her to stop eating. As I know from movies and those new Domino’s pizza commercials where they admit that their pizza “used to” be terrible, eating is one of the keys to living.
So in the middle of the snowstorm, I took Miss Lucy to the vet, handed them $350, and they confirmed that, indeed, she was not eating. They said it didn’t look so good, but that we could put her on a series of twice daily shots of fluids, appetite enhancers, and steroids. So I took Miss Lucy home and, even though I’m terrified of needles, started giving her shots twice a day.
And yesterday, after sticking Miss Lucy, I accidentally stuck myself with the needle. Now I had to call the vet and ask with a straight face, “Am I going to become a cat?” And they told me that if I wanted a professional opinion, I would need an appointment and another $350.
A few years ago I didn’t even like cats. Now I love one that sticks her ass in my face, a cat that I need to inject with needles twice a day. And now I’m well-versed in the ins and outs of feline matrimony, and I’m writing a blog about cats. Ivan and Miss Lucy aren’t the only ones who have changed. Remember Journal, THIS NEEDS TO BE BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
Tour Dates
April
- 1-3: Richmond, VA – 5 Shows! Get tickets now!
- 8-11: NYC Get tickets now!
May
- 6-8: Tampa, FL Get tickets now!
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:26 pm
I’m sure you have nothing at all to worry about from the shot. But if you find yourself staring longingly at that teddy bear, maybe another $350 is worth it.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Oh cat blogger, Mike, I loved this entry. I hope your kitty feels better soon and lives to stick her ass in many more faces.
And while I’m here, I should remind you that Atlanta, where I live, is in between Richmond and Tampa. It’s also the city you had to cancel when you did your pilot, and the city to where you’ve yet to return. Just a friendly, though desperate-to-see-my-very-favorite-comedian reminder.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Mike,
You are truly a cat blogger/person if you have a “cat voice.” And you know what I’m talking about – do you talk to Ivan and Miss Lucy like you would talk to me, or do you get all kitty-cat-cutsy?
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Don’t feel bad Mike. I’m also a crazy cat blogger. I hope Miss Lucy is back to sticking her butt in your face very soon.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
I love that you are now a cat blogger, I also have 2 cats so I can relate. I think it would be some what sad if you did turn into a cat since then you may have trouble getting on an airplane sans cage, and it would make blogging a very difficult task. I used to think that my cats had the best life, they get to sleep all day, and don’t have to worry about a job or money. But I guess the draw back would be having to lick your own ass to keep it clean.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I do hope Miss Lucy feels better soon. Keep us updated! I really like you and I like cats, but not necessarily in that order
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I always said I wouldn’t be one of “those people” that goes broke because their pet gets sick. But then my dog got medical issues and it was either choose between putting her to sleep and explaining to my daughter or going broke. So..I’m broke. But I have a dog so it’s not weird. If it was a cat I’d just let it die.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:37 pm
1. I also had a cat named Ivan, although he didn’t look like that.
2. I have a female Russian Blue (which is the type of cat your Ivan is).
3. My husband used to hate cats too. Guys always turn.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Sorry to hear about Lucy! We’ve got 3 cats and a huge dog (Truman, Macklin, Sissy, and Louis). I hope she feels better soon. Let’s talk about how expensive animal health care is. I don’t see that being debated in Washington at all!
Please make plans to come to the Funny Bones in Virginia Beach (aka the Virginia Shore).
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Birbigs,
You make my day every time you send out your secret public journal e-mail. Keep being “that guy”. Thanks for the laughs.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:46 pm
It is creepy how much one can love one’s cat. I grew up with cats but never had a cat as an adult. My husband never even had pets. But now we are obsessed with our cat that we rescued from being chopped up into tiny pieces at the shelter. I think about him during the day when I’m at work. I wonder if he’s feeling alright. Like, emotionally.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Your cat story made my day. It reminded me of a couple of my friends who are also very much crazy cat people.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Hope Miss Lucy is feeling better. I’m proud to hear that you braved a snowstorm for her.
I recently braved a trip across town that through a legendary Dallas snowstorm this year for my one of my own. He is doing much better now.
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my insanity.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Hey Mike, you’re going to be about 6 hours away, Im going to try and figure a way to come and see you. I would love to do that, do you normally get your picture taken with fans? OH by the way, sorry to hear about your cat, I hope she makes a full recovery, I know how cat owners can build tight bonds with their cats. So, since your going to be close (6 hours away) I can never complain like the person from out west.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Lucy will be in my prayers. It’s amazing what we’ll do for our beloved pets.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Never fall in love with your pets. Today they’re making meowy noises, nuzzling your ankles and insinuating they’ll be with you forever. Tomorrow, they’re all over the mudflaps of the white van down the street. Later that night, your younger brother is making secret reconnaissance missions down the street with a bat in his hands and the Geto Boys on his mind.
Forget it, Mike. It’s Chinatown.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:45 pm
I hope Miss Lucy feels better soon! And Ivan looks like my France cat, Tarzan, who was very sweet but also very abusive. But he only scratched me because he loved me!
And don’t worry–my mom once accidentally took some of my dog’s medication and all that happened was that she took a long nap and the poison control lady and I both had a good laugh.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I am literally having to type around my adoring cat and her less adorable anus. In fact working from home often elicits a lot of this attention around the computer. Check out this great comic
http://www.infinitecat.com/cat-comics/comic-archive/take_yr_cat-2-work.gif
Thanks for sharing your hilarious take on life, Mike. It is always refreshing.
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:05 pm
i am a huge fan of yours mike but i am upset at your discrimination of alaskan wildlife. any true discovery fan such as yourself should know that the population of meese (more than one moose) in Alaska trumps the Alaskan bear population and to completely ignore a group of animals that have made the state of alaska so famous, makes me think that you don’t love wildlife as much as you say you do.
Other than that you are one funny cracker
im white so i can say “cracker” without being offensive.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Sorry about your kitty, Cat Blogger. Kitties are way better than most people so Miss Lucy is so worth the $350. If money is tight make Ivan get a job and that will give him less time to get freaky with the teddy bear.
Well one really does learn something new every day. Who knew that one could actually marry their cat? I hope the poor felines that are subjected to such a thing are allowed to return their love by clawing out their companion.
Just an FYI you don’t need a professional consultation; have no worries about pricking yourself with your kitty’s needle. It only causes erectile dysfunction.
Feel better Miss Lucy.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Hi, Mike:
This journal entry was so timely. I had to put my ancient cat Gus to sleep on Saturday. Just like him to wait until the weekend so we could pay the additional ‘emergency’ fee to the vet, but that’s how cats roll. I had to do the subcutaneous fluids for a while, so I can completely relate with you about what we’ll willingly do for the cats we love who return the affection by puking on our furniture. I miss him like crazy! Good luck with Miss Lucy…I’ll be thinking happy thoughts for you guys.
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I think this is my favorite post yet. I blog about my cats sometimes too. But we can keep that just between us, right?
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Mike,
Love the cat blog, am a cat lover myself and have spent much time with cat asses in my face. I live in Denver where you have many fans. Come see us, I will brings hundreds to your show, I promise.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:56 am
Man, I think my favorite part about your posts are the super-subtle references you make towards your own jokes (in this case, “No, but those cats were awesome” = Joe Bags (not that I need to tell you, but in case anybody else took as long as I did to pick up on it. Thanks for making sure your emails are always so witty!!
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:08 am
hi mike…
my boyfriend and i are having cat problems too–very similar to yours, with the not eating and the appetite stimulants, fluids and steroids thing. it’s incredible/pathetic how close to hysterical tears i am at every second about this cat (and, indeed, all of my cats, past current and future. argh.) but i’m happy you’re the kind of person who’ll overcome financial humps and needle fear to take care of your kitty. nice guy forever! xo
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:34 am
@Betsy, so sorry to hear about your kitty!
@Mike, give Miss Lucy a hug from all of us. I bet she’s a little jealous that Ivan got a nice pic on the blog and she didn’t.
I have an epileptic kitty that needs meds twice a day too, so I know how hard it can be. Stick with it and she’ll be feeling better soon. Thanks for the fuzzy post!
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:02 pm
It amazes me how a blog post about cats can bring out the crazies
March 4th, 2010 at 10:31 am
Dear Mike,
After reading your journal entry, I clicked on the cat blog link. I ended up watching cats watching cats watching cats, etc. on a computer monitor. This went on for 10 15 minutes until I had to quit.
What compelled me to do that? And want to finish watching it?
Man. Thanks a lot.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:24 am
This made me lol
I like how you write, it’s so easy to understand and flows nicely 
March 6th, 2010 at 3:17 am
Cat fancy!
‘This marriage is recognised neither by law nor church, but by the much higher realm of the great pet god in the sky – Mr. Mustofales*. Although a mere cat, he is omniscient. Don’t think you can fool him, ever. If you mistreat your pet, or (heaven forbid) give him supermarket’s own pet food, he will know and you will surely suffer. ‘
‘This is a marriage of minds and companionship. You have no conjugal rights. For sake of clarity: You are not permitted to have sex with your pet. ‘
Good they cleared that up. Crazy Dutch!
March 7th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Mike,
It always amazes me when people who say they aren’t a cat person becomes one when they finally get a cat. I watched this with my husband and the guys I work with in a tool and die shop. We took in a stray there and most of the guys would say “I’m not really a cat person, but Leroy is cool.” He has since suffered a broken leg in an accident at the shop and has “retired” to my house and all of the guys miss Leroy.
March 12th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Hey Mike.
I was listening to your set on Invite them up, and I thought of a tag to your bit about crappy cameras, you probably already thought about it. Or already hate that bit or whatever crazy thing stand ups do with jokes in their heads.
You go on about all things also being a camera, “it’s a cantaloupe and a camera, you eat it and shit out the pictures!
“But I want the opposite of that”.
“You heard me, what I want is to shove pictures up my butt and puke out happy memories.”
March 12th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Mike,
Hope your cat gets better – at least you never dropped $300 removing a tumor from a $0.99 pet rat. I rescued him the pet store when I realized what the case labeled “feeder rats” meant. Thank goodness they only had one rat in there, I’d have been the crazy rat lady.
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:02 am
Congratulations on admitting being a cat blogger. They say that is the first step.