Going to California
Dear Journal,
I’m back in California, playing a show at the UCB theater in Los Angeles and four shows at the Brea Improv this weekend. I have some history with California at this point, but this wasn’t always the case. When I entered comedy, California had a mythical quality to it.
The first time I came here was eight years ago, after performing in the “New Faces” show at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I was told by my agent at the time, Marcy, that I needed to fly to Hollywood immediately. Immediately!
So I booked a ticket on the next flight to Los Angeles, camped out on my friend Jason’s couch, and proceeded to do what everyone in Hollywood does instead of their job: I took meetings.
“But what are these meetings about?” I asked my Marcy.
“We gotta get you a deal!” she said.
“What kind of deal?” I said.
“A sitcom deal!”
I didn’t even like sitcoms. I didn’t want to be on a sitcom, but I was like, “Great! A sitcom deal!”
Marcy told me stories about how Ray Romano and a bunch of people I had never heard of got deals after the Montreal festival for ridiculous sums of money. This was a perfect situation. They were going to give me a lot of money AND I needed a lot of money.
At this point, my bank balance was in parenthesis, which is the bank’s way of saying, “Let’s say you had money, it might be this much money, but since you don’t, you kind of owe us this much money.”
So I was like, “Rock and roll, Marcy! Let’s go get a deal!”
I had no idea what I was doing. I later found out neither did Marcy. She would call up production companies and networks and say, “Mike needs a deal!” Which, I think, in retrospect, is the opposite of how you get a deal. You have to pretend you’ve got all kinds of deals about to happen. Like you’re gonna pass out if you get handed one more deal. You can’t tell them you need a deal.
It’s like if you saw a Victoria’s Secret model at your high school dance. You could just walk up to her and say, “I need to have sex with you, because if I don’t have sex with you, I will just have to continue having sex with no one.” You could do that, but that plan probably wouldn’t work.
So for 6 days I stayed on Jason’s couch and he would drive me to meetings. I couldn’t get a rental car because they don’t accept parentheses. So he would drive me from meeting to meeting. Jason is gay, but in like the stereotypical way where he criticizes the way I dress and look and act. He’s like Perez Hilton except he’s willing to criticize your appearance mercilessly even if you’re not famous, which is nice.
So I would go to these meetings, and it would go ok. And then I’d come out to the car and he’d say something like, “You look fat in that shirt.”
I’d be like, “Oh thanks. I was feeling pretty good a second ago, but I had been meaning to have that balloon popped.”
Just to give you a sense of what these meetings are like, they’re called “general meetings” and they might as well be called, “meaningless events that make it seem like I shouldn’t lose my job, which I should.”
These are meetings with networks but mostly with companies with names like “Imagine” and “Emerging Pictures,” those companies that have their names on the end of TV shows but you don’t know what the hell they do. Well, here’s what they do: They have “general meetings.” And the meetings are about 30-60 minutes long and they’re kind of like a speed date. What do you do? How’d you get started?
And the way to look cool in these meetings is to act like you have no idea why you’re there and why you’d ever want to talk about show business. You say stuff like, “Isn’t it crazy that polar bears can hear their prey from 30 miles away?”
And they’re like, “Mike Birbiglia is so interesting. He doesn’t care about anything and he knows all this random information about polar bears! It’s almost as though he just watched a special about polar bears on Animal Planet!”
And then immediately after the meeting my agent calls them back and says, “Hi, Mike needs a deal!“
So I would go into these meetings and the people in the meetings would also insist that I was going to get a deal. They’d be like, “You’re definitely going to get a deal.”
And after a few days, I started to believe it. And I was calling everyone I knew. I was like, “I’m about to get a sitcom deal.” I think “about to” are two of the most dangerous words in the English language. Never trust people who say things like “I’m about to” or “Because I’m high.” So I’m calling my parents, my brother Joe, my friends from college. “You were wrong about me! I’m gonna get a deal! I’m gonna have my own sitcom! Screw all you people. You were so wrong about me! I’m about to date Heather Locklear!”
And a few days later I’m flying home and as I’m sitting on the plane, it’s occurring to me that I don’t have a deal. What about my deal? The lady from Emerging Pictures told me that I was going to get a deal! The guy from Amblin Entertainment told me I was a genius, and should maybe co-host some sort of polar bear animated feature thing. And I land in New York and I check my messages. No messages. I call Marcy. What’s up with the deal?
And Marcy says, “It doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. No one’s getting deals this year.”
I later found out this is what they tell people who don’t get deals, that NO ONE got a deal. But they did. Some people did. Just not me. And I got back to my tiny apartment and I looked at my parentheses balance and I felt so tricked. I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn’t. I was just the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles with his sister’s frequent flyer miles.
This week I’m back in Los Angeles but for a reason that I’m proud of: I have shows. And the shows are full of new material that I’m proud of and I don’t have to make up random shit about polar bears. No general meetings. No deals. No bullshit. And yes, I look fat in this shirt.
And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.
Tour Dates!
Februrary
- 4: Los Angeles, CA Reservations SOLD OUT – Standby Line Day of Show!
- 5-6: Brea, CA GET TICKETS NOW!
- 20: Traverse City Comedy Arts Festival Tickets on sale 2/7
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Come to Utah. We won’t bite and you do not have to marry anyone else.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Ooo am I the first to comment? Love that you’re in CA, would love it more if you come back to SF
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:09 pm
First! Mike you always crack me up!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Nice entry MIKE!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I’d listen to you talk about polar bears.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Because I am an obedient fan, I will try to be the first to comment
I saw you while you were out in the middle of nowhere (aka my college, University of Missouri)and you were fantastic. Good luck in LA, Mike, and I hope those parentheses turn into numbers soon!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Haha Polar Bears are the bee’s knees!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:14 pm
woot
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:16 pm
SECOND COMMENT!
nice entry btw (:
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:16 pm
k, it looks as though I didn’t really have to hurry to leave that post…
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Hilarious entry Mike. youre gonna get a deal. I just talked to Marcy.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Mike, you have such a way about you, I think Jimmey Kimmel is even trying to steal your style…I saw him going back and forth about a moment with Leno, and it was so reminiscent of your “What I Should Have Said Was Nothing” segment about the baseball hall of fame. In fact, I’m about to buy a ticket…
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:20 pm
You see, this is just proof that if you believe in yourself and don’t listen to foolish advice you can make your dreams come true. Break a leg at those shows. You’re not gonna wear THAT shirt, are you? No, no, it’s totally fine.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:22 pm
THIRD!!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Ha, I have to send this to my friend because she made it up that polar bear is a code word for penis. Really odd, but it made a lot of the secret public journal R rated. Great post! You’re a laugh riot!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:26 pm
So, apparently when I misspell jealous on my iPhone it comes out as Kewpie if I do it badly enough. I fucking hate LA, and am very jealous of Grant for his mastery of first posts. Hope your shows go well. If you think polar bear facts are interesting, the wikipedia article on pistol shrimp will blow your mind.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:28 pm
That was great. Go show ‘em!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:28 pm
FIFTEENTH!
Seriously though Mikey, come back to SF!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:30 pm
This is one of my favorite things about comedy today. It really seems that a lot of stand-ups are less interested in getting their own sitcoms and more into just developing their on-stage performance. You see more comics working out new material now then you did in the 80′s or early 90′s. I think society, here in the U.S. at least, is more receptive to comedy these days and more open to new ways of presenting that comedy. We’re moving away from sitcoms loosely based on one guy’s stand-up routine and that’s a good thing.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Was everyone in the general meeting named Richard? and did they ever mention their friend(s), Willy… Great story
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Sounds like Marcy is a real tool. Also, Im 30 miles away.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:49 pm
That was hi-larious!
We love you here in NorCal Mr.Birbigs.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:52 pm
All I got out of this story is that you had a meeting with Amblin Entertainment. That’s almost like getting to meet one of Spielberg’s hats!
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:56 pm
The moral of this story is to never trust women named Marcy. And stop wearing shirts altogether. Check and check.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I bet all those people who said they were the first or second commenters and then weren’t feel pretty stupid.
New Material? I’m psyched. I’m determined to see you live sometime in the near future. I had plans in 2009 but we had a wedding or some such nonsense.
Looking forward to hearing about 2010 tour dates in the DC/Baltimore area. You will see me in the crowd. You’ll know it is me. You just will.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I also find it kinda strange that you moderate your comments.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Very funny! I love the links! I’ll kick Marcy’s ass for you if you want. Then we could make a sit-com about me being your personal ass-kicker. It’ll be great! Quality t.v. right up there with Small Wonder and Alf.
February 4th, 2010 at 7:34 am
Good for you Mike!
February 4th, 2010 at 8:52 am
You are adorable and talented and you totally deserve a deal. When the time’s right, it will come to you. I have faith.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:03 am
No random shit about polar bears? Well, I certainly am not going to attend one of your shows. And it has nothing to do with living 3,000 miles away. It’s all about the polar bears and your refusal to make up random shit about them.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
…Mike I have been a fan since back in the day , as the kids say, when you sent out autographed calendars. I am glad you are having such success and keep up the good work. That is just about as bland as I can make this comment.
February 6th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
…cant believe Im finally going to see you live! Ive been a fan for so long, seems I know you
(not in a creepy, stalker sort of way, really
—I swear) See you in Brea! Break a leg!!!
February 7th, 2010 at 1:41 am
Deal….or no deal….(you knew that joke was coming…i’m kind of surprised I was the first…(maybe that makes me douchy)..) Anyway, you did an awesome job at the Brea Improv tonight!! PS…It’s Yorba LINDA…haha two words…not just Yorba. Just a heads up, for next time..er…or something. (Man I use a lot of periods. And I’m rambling) Take care Mike!
February 7th, 2010 at 7:30 am
Like fun you’re getting a sitcom deal! (Can I be the one who OFFICIALLY makes the phrase “like fun” an overused cliche? Because that would be awesome.)
February 8th, 2010 at 11:30 pm
Im completely out of loop,in my own world so didnt’t know the name, but felt like watching something funny so i picked the ‘what i should have said is nothing’ off my netflix. freakin hilarious…but in a very different way…without taking the defensive ‘i dont give a shit’ tone most comedians do, which is funny too but that was refreshing, if that makes sense…struck a chord and i was dying laughing. I tend to overthink, notice dumb stuff and certainly have socially awkward moments, pretty much every day, but watchin that made me look at my stupid moments and laugh.
anyways bla, bla, bla chicks talk to much. point is ill be checkin into this for some funny stories. well done!
February 9th, 2010 at 4:45 am
I wanted to be the LAST to reply. So don’t eff this up for me, people!
February 12th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
I’m just posting this so the person above me won’t get to be the last one to reply.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
WE ARE YOUR BIGGEST FANS YOU HAVE EVER HAD! YOU INSPIRE US, TO BECOME BETTER FUNNIER HAPPIER HUMAN BEINGS. SHE LOVED E! BUT SHE HATED WATER!!!! RUNNING AROUND LICKING THE WALLS DOING CARTWHEELS WEARING KNEE PADS AND GLOW STICKS. YOU HOLD OUR HANDS AND GUIDE US TO THE BETTER GREATNESS. WE LOVE YOU SOO MUCH. I WAS THINKING MAYBE THIS WEEKEND WE COULD…, IM CRAZY!!!
XOXO
The Bamfs
May 18th, 2010 at 2:54 am
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
August 26th, 2010 at 8:03 am
We just went out to San Fran and I asked the hotel manager where the houses were from the into of Full House. Wanted the street at least for GPS, but he had no idea what Full House was!