Arizona and My Women’s Exercise Class
Dear Journal,
I just woke up from a nap on board my flight to Phoenix. And I’m sitting next to a guy who was on a heated business call right until the point we took off, spewing venom to some co-worker with lines like, “I’m not a freakin’ maniac. I’m a reasonable person!” While this may be true, I was glad when he finished his two gin and tonics and passed out.
If your business conversation descends to a level where colleagues suggest you are a freakin’ maniac, you might just be a freakin’ maniac.
I’m performing at the Tempe Improv this week, which is a town near Phoenix in case anyone is reading this who lives near Phoenix and did not know that. Or frankly anyone who lives in Arizona at all. Let’s be honest, I’m not sure I’m going to make it to every town in Arizona in 2010.
When I announced these shows someone tweeted to me, “Tempe? How come you don’t come to TUCSON?”
I’m like, “I’m flying 6 hours to your state. Can you drive two hours from your house?” I’m not The Cheesecake Factory, where there’s one in every town.
That said, if you do have a Cheesecake Factory, I may be more likely to visit. I love their “Chicken sandwich the size of a soccer ball” and their “Piece of cake as large as an entire cake.” Hey, if the Factory says it’s one serving, who am I to question them? They’re building this stuff to factory specifications.
My flight to Phoenix has been remarkably uneventful, which is the opposite of my trip last week to South Beach. When my wife and I flew to the South Beach Comedy Festival, they wouldn’t let her through security because her ticket said “Jen” and her license said “Jennifer.” There was only one line and we had to talk to the security lady about this for so long that the line became longer and angrier until finally I looked back at the line and said, “We all know Jen is short for Jennifer, right??”
And, IN CHORUS, they all said, “Yeeesss!!” It was beautiful. And I wasn’t being a maniac. I was being a reasonable person. I think.
So I hope to get outside for some exercise in Arizona. I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds for the last seven years but I really think this is going to be the year. My wife actually started taking me to her women’s exercise class. I’ve given up on having a traditional male physique, so now I’m going for a female body without all those pesky female sex organs.
That’s me on the far right.
I’m pretty sure the reason my wife took me to this class is because she’s a lesbian and she wants to be in a more traditional lesbian relationship. Maybe she’s not a lesbian, but she did force me to go to this class, which kicks my ass in two ways. One, the class itself is physically impossible. And two, I have to remember all of her friends’ names so I don’t look anti-social.
Sometimes I get in trouble if I’m not friendly enough to her friends, she’ll be like, “How come you’re not friendly to my friends?”
And I’m like, “I’m not friendly, I’m awkward, that’s kind of my thing! That’s why we’re married! You love that about me.”
And she’s like, “You’re friendly to your friends.”
And I say, “I know. I’ve known them for years, and I know that if I say something crazy, like, ‘I’m pretty sure the government’s putting tiny cameras in my shower,’ that they’ll still be friends with me. If I said that to your friends, they might stop being friends with me. And they might even stop being friends with YOU. Do you understand this?? I’m doing this FOR YOU!”
So I’ve been going to this women’s exercise class and this week I went to class without her and I ran into one of her friends. But I didn’t say hi because I was thinking about other stuff. I didn’t realize I had seen her until later, during the class, when I watched it on my mental Tivo. So I was like, “Oh no. I’m going to be in trouble.” So I start trying to make eye contact with her friend and finally I’m in this very difficult position called the pretzel–which is tremendously effective for building your female ass–and I’m faced towards her and she’s faced towards me.
And I think, “This is my big moment.” And I smile, real big, like, “We know each other!” Wait ‘til my wife hears about this!
And I’m locked eyes with my wife’s friend and I realize it is NOT my wife’s friend. It’s this other lady who thinks I’m insane. And she gives me this look like, “You are a freakin’ maniac.”
And I’m worried she might be right.
And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.
Chocolate Chip-Encrusted Tour Dates
January
28-30: Tempe, AZ GET TICKETS NOW!
February
4: Los Angeles, CA Reservations SOLD OUT – Standby Line Day of Show!
5-6: Brea, CA GET TICKETS NOW!
January 28th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Ha hahaha ha!!!!
January 28th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Yo, Birbigs,
Dude, one of the things the CIA wrangled out of BVD-Bomber Abdulmutallab (and they didn’t need to threaten him with waterboarding, but did mention he’d be made to sit through the entire SOTUS without even switching to ESPN one time) was the terrorist’s new manifesto, which calls for recruiting wives of Shrewsburyan-American comics, so being singled out should not have surprised you. The authorities knew you’d try the old “shortened name” ploy. How? Tiny cameras in your shower.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
You might just lose that 7lbs walking in the Arizona heat! Beautiful state, I want to go again.
Whenever I’m on my way to Arizona and there’s a three-hour flight, they always have a movie for us, and it’s usually a stupid movie like “The Pacifier” or “Firehouse Dog”. I can already predict that, when “The Tooth Fairy” goes straight to DVD, it’ll be the in-flight movie the next time I have a flight.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Hi, Mr. Bahooksi.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
You are the cutest maniac I know.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
“You’re friendly with your friends” is right up there with “Why are you being so defensive?” in phrases that too many people think is a valid argument.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Don’t take this the wrong way… There might be a correlation between your love of ‘The Factory’ and your weight loss challenge.
Might I suggest a tour that specifically avoids cities with a Cheesecake Factory?
January 28th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I am sure your wife will be happy you made a new friend
We have Cheesecake Factories in Atlanta, hint hint…
January 28th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
We love your awkwardness, even if your wife doesn’t.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Ha, funny stuff.
Only commenting so you don’t feel lonely!
January 28th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I’m a public speaker – not a motivational speaker – I prefer to de-motivate. I’ve flown 1 million miles with United, and thanks to their passion for carbs and salt I have a new weight loss goal. Zero. Now that I’m over 40, my goal is to not get any bigger.
Since my metabolism screeched to a halt (I actually heard it one night) I find myself “working out” in public with strangers who share my misery.
Flying, like exercising, should be done with minimal eye contact. I mean, you’re stuck with these people for an hour, at least, why would you want to bond? Just like in a plane, you can’t get up and move to another “seat” if you find yourself next to super yoga freak. You gotta ride it out.
I’m just sayin’….
I remain,
A burgeoning freakin’ maniac,
D.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
lol mental tivo. <3 oh bigs. thanks for the giggles.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
hilarious.
Since awkward is your thing, how long until people start to recognize you in public, run up to you, and ask you to be awkward? “Hey Mike! Do that awkward thing… yeah! that’s it!”
January 28th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I’ll be the tiny cameras in your shower…
January 28th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Mike, reading about your awkwardness always makes me feel better about my own.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Mike, you never fail in nearly making me pee my pants from laughing so hard. Next time I’m putting on an adult diaper.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
So true about the Cheesecake Factory portions. It’s wonder anyone can walk out of there without calling for a wheelchair.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
PS I would definitely drive two hours to see you. I drove 1 hour to see you when you came to DC last fall. Amazing show. You made me pee in pants a little bit.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Warning: The “tiny cameras” comment cost me a relationship and a pricey Applebee’s check. I knew I shouldn’t of ordered the potato skins.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Mental TiVO = you just changed my vocab landscape.
I will have to try this pretzel move.
And yeah, your awkwardness IS why we love you!
January 28th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
This was the best past of my day. You are amazingly awkward and hilarious
January 28th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
You make me smile.
January 28th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Loud business talker is better than woman who borrowed my magazine and then picked tangerine jelly beans out of her teeth- and then tried to return said magazine. (Or heavy breathers)…
PS- You do know of the state Colorado right? Denver would love to see your face!
January 28th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Here’s your anti-loneliness comment. This was a great read. I have one of your comedy cd’s on my iPod and I was listening to it last week on the way to a friend’s house… I got there, and he was watching your stand up on TV. It was awesome, but he called you Mike Berbigula… and I told him, no, you’re not Caligula’s cousin, its BERBIGLIA… pronounced Berbeeleeaaah, ha ha. Hope you’re doing great!
January 28th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Woops, Birbiglia… yep, you’ve got one of THOSE names
January 28th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for the laughs, Mike. I’m having an “erase the pain” beer while I FB, cuz I work with useless maniacs, and I laughed so hard my ol’ man came to check on me, cuz he thought I was weeping. I feel much better now.
When you get to Cheesecake Factory, try the basketball sized artichoke. Still counts as diet food.
January 28th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
Mike to me this was one of the funniest Secret Public Journal. Its like no kidding you can’t drive 2 hours? I would love to be able to drive 2 hours to see you. I’m about 6 hours from about anything major. I love the comment about The Cheesecake Factory, Im a big guy and couldn’t finish all of my food the last time I went. I can totally relate to the scene at the gym, when I was married that was a lot like our conversations, lol. I agree the mental Tivo will be used by me. lol thanks Mike this entry made my dad.
January 28th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
I went and saw Mike (we’re on a first name basis) when he came to Portland. I knew the comedy would be great but I was not aware of his excellent acting abilities. When he was describing what was happening in his stories, I felt like I was right there. Ya gotta see it.
January 28th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
January 28th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Oh MIKE…
I’ve been having the WORST day and I’m sitting here half-alive, slumped over my desk, and I’m so overworked my face is sliding off my head. So I took a BREAK to read your SPJ…
*ROTFL* You are the cutest funniest ever. I love your female body. I completely relate to Mental TiVO. And this happens to me all the time because for various reasons people recognize me in public alot, and I don’t know them. So they come up to me like “ANDI, Hiiiiiii!” and I reach to accept the hugs as I am thinking “Who ARE YOU?!” And sometimes I have to be like “Oh so nice to see you again”…because how embarrassing not to know who they are. They hug me like I’m a long lost pal and I’m like, “And your name is…” Urgle.
OXOX *kisses/hugs* Andi
January 28th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Birbigs,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Once I walked up behind my girlfriend at the mall, grabbed her ass, and said, “What’s up, baby?” And when I say grabbed her ass, I mean roughly fondled and squeezed. There was no mistaking it. It was the non-verbal equivalent of planting a flag in the name of the king. And then I realized it wasn’t my girlfriend, but just some random woman that I had apparently just sexually assaulted. Needless to say, I ran away, grabbed ACTUAL girlfriend, and got the hell out of there.
You are not alone, Mr. Bahooski.
Thanks for the stories, Mike. Hope to see you perform again.
January 28th, 2010 at 8:26 pm
We don’t have a Cheesecake factory, but I would love to drive to Baltimore to see you!!!!
January 28th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Mike, I live in S. FL (and saw your SoBe show- awesome but not enough genitalia references, so thanks for todays SPJ!)
I can totally relate to the inane TSA workers. When I was flying, my name on my ticket was Megan, but my official “driver’s license” name is Margaret. The TSA workers had never heard of Megan as a nickname for Margaret, not quite as obvious as Jen and Jennifer, granted, but still, if they see thousands of people a week, SOMEONE else must be nicknamed Megan! They weren’t going to let me fly either, had to use two other ids with Megan on them. The kicker is that my dad, who had a hand in naming me Margaret, made my flight reservation under the name Megan, and was confused as to why there was a problem. Um, because my real name is Margaret, Dad!
January 28th, 2010 at 11:00 pm
birbigs this is hilarious. I watched your secret public journal show not too long ago and you instantly became my favorite comedian, (just surpassing lewis black, patton oswalt, and demitri martin). come to chicago. and while your there make fun of blagojevich, it will be recived well i assure you. also your bit about the major league baseball thing was the funniest bit i’ve ever heard any comedian do ever
January 28th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
I even know exactly what you mean, and I’m a woman! I guess it might be that I’m pretty awkward too… Plus exercise classes aren’t the best social venue.
January 29th, 2010 at 12:20 am
You know Mike, what you gotta do is go to the Cheesecake Factory and ask to see their “diet menu.” Either you’ll actually get one, or at least have a good story to tell.
Thanks for being awesome.
January 29th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Maybe it’s because I’ve heard your comedy on TAL and elsewhere so I can imagine your voice, but either way, your humor translates well to text.
Great entry
January 31st, 2010 at 3:14 pm
First of all this is the funniest entry u have written in the past few months, not saying the others were bad but this just really entertained me. Also I thought it was kind of funny that even though its a womens exercise class u were still forced to go AND you even went when your wife was not there which I find hilarious
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:44 am
I just heard your sleepwalking material on public radio and enjoyed it, so I Googled you and came across your blog. Enjoyed it, although I can’t help but point this out: Cheesecake Factory, extra 10 lbs. I’m thinking maybe exercise is not the answer.
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:25 pm
I should pay more attention! I was just in Phoenix and would have definitely gone to your show. Too bad I had a date with my grandmother, who wouldn’t have understood why I needed to drive to Tempe.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 am
Loud Business Talker is also not as bad as Fried Chicken Moo Moo Lady. Picture this: a very large woman who should have technically had to buy 2 seats to fit her extremely large, moo moo clad ass, is sitting next to my poor boyfriend during a red eye flight from San Fran to Chicago. Before the plane lifts off she pulls out a bag of chicken, yes, a bag full of fried chicken, and proceeds to eat her own version of a 15 piece KFC meal.
I don’t understand how she was able to bring a bag full of chicken on board when I couldn’t get through security with my jar of preserves. Apparently kiwi pepper jelly has been known to take down people in the middle east.
BTW- if you think Cheesecake Factory is bad for portions you should try the desserts at Flames in San Jose, CA.
February 4th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Loved the Tempe show!
April 2nd, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Have you seen tha calories in each meal at the cheesecake factory. A kid’s alfredo pasta has 1809 calories, 89g of saturated fat, 652g of sodium and 69g of carbs. If you eat there it will become hard to find dates. I saw the kid’s menu nutritional facts at knowwhereyoueat@blogspot.com and was shocked. I will never eat at a cheesecake factory ever again if that’s the calories for a kid’s item. What is an entree item, a weeks worth of calories?
May 1st, 2010 at 10:28 am
Mike B! i just wanted to let you know that I am a student at Oregon State University and i know you have a show here today. I was not able to get a ticket and i am EXTREMELY pissed cause you rock! your stand up makes me laugh every time, and after your finished, somehow I feel that you are my good friend! Thats how comedians should make you feel. Stay strong and come to oregon again!!