My first Bar Mitzvah and my half court shot video!
Dear Journal,
I’m in an undisclosed location this week to perform at a Bar Mitzvah. Yes, that’s right. A Bar Mitzvah. I’ll be performing for a group of young people who were born in 1997, which is the first year I ever performed stand-up. You could say that I’ve been preparing myself for this show their entire lives.
Just briefly, let’s see if I pass the Bar Mitzvah test:
Jewish? Nope.
Know what a Bar Mitzvah is? Not really.
Know where the Bar Mitzvah is taking place? Yes, I think so.
So I think I passed.
Joe actually spoke with the young man’s mom and brother, to make sure the show goes as smoothly as possible. Apparently I’m encouraged to do Jewish jokes, as long as their not at all anti-Semitic. Maybe I’ll follow that up with some black jokes that aren’t racist and some knock knock jokes with no “Who’s there?”
I consulted with some Jewish friends about the Bar Mitzvah, and put simply, it’s when a boy becomes a man. This is something I’m not sure I’ve done yet.
This week, for example, I went to the 76ers game in Philadelphia on the way to Atlantic City. I have some powerful friends in Philly, so they set it up that I could be in the half-time shooting contest.
Right after this picture was taken this rabbit stabbed me with a sharpened carrot.
I was never good at basketball as a kid. As a matter of fact, it was the only sport where I actually cried while playing in a competitive game. I was in fifth grade. And I’m in a game and someone passes me the ball and I shoot. And the ball doesn’t reach the height of the hoop or the distance in between me and the hoop. It looked like I was playing a different sport altogether. Like volleyball or shot-put or one of those British sports I’m not familiar with. That’s when the other players started laughing, and I started crying. And I’ll tell you, you really lose the confidence of your fellow players when your cheeks get that puffy. They will not throw you the rock when you have tears streaming down your face. I was like, “I’m open.” They were like, “We know. We are well aware of your openness.” I’m like, “No one’s covering me!” They’re like, “We wouldn’t either if we were on the other team, which we kind of wish we were.”
I had a chance to redeem myself at the 76ers game. The goal was to shoot a lay-up, a free throw, and a 3-point shot in 45 seconds, a simple task except for the 3-point shot. As a matter of fact, I knew that I would never hit the 3-point shot, so I came up with a secret plan.
When the time came for the contest, I walked out with the calmness of a pro ball player or a serial killer, and I shook hands with the seemingly very rational rabbit man who is the mascot for the team. I took the ball and made the layup, then I walked to the line and hit the free throw on my second try. That means I was shooting 50% from the line, in case you’re listening, Shaq. 35 seconds left. All I had to do now was drain the three.
But this is when my secret plan came into effect. Instead of taking the three, I produced my red, white and blue headband from my pocket, and walked to half court. A herd of gentlemen in sweat-suits shouted at me that I was going to the wrong place. I waved them off. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was about to miss the half court shot. So I get to half court and I throw up a Hail Mary…and it hits the rim. And the crowd went wild, or they would have if they weren’t all getting food.
With the tour behind me, I’m heading to a Bar Mitzvah this week. I’m not a man yet. But I’ve gotten better at losing.
And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.
Have a safe and happy holiday,
Mike B
2010 Tour Dates!
January
- 21: Miami, FL – South Beach Comedy Festival GET TICKETS NOW!
- 28-30: Tempe, AZ GET TICKETS NOW!
February
- 5-6: Brea, CA GET TICKETS NOW!
December 18th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Now, more than ever, I wish I was a 13 year old Jewish boy.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Read it. What happens now?
December 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Please be aware that if you *did* play a show at a Hardee’s in Iowa, I would be there with bells on.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Funny stuff. At least now I kno how to spell Bar Mitzvah!
December 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
So I’m leaving my comment. What do I win?
December 18th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I remember my one and only little league baseball game, I get hit by the pitch, but since I half way swung at it, they said it didn’t count, so instead of taking my base, I took the bench, crying about my bruised wrist. I didn’t get another at bat, in fact, I think I quit going to practice, left town, and joined a pack of roving goatherders.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I love the notion that no one would be in a position to complain to the parachute packing plant in the event of a failure. Maybe…I dunno, the skydiving instructor, the person’s friends and family, etc.?
Furthermore, it has been well documented that the quietest place on earth is a three way tie between Bob Jewenstien’s Republican Charity Drive headquarters, the Department of Legal Mexican Immigrant Labor and White People Jail.
Finally, hilarious as the joke may be, it demonstrates a clear institutionalized racism against French Canadians, or Kabuki, whose passion for skydiving is well documented.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I have to say Mike, i am touched…
Your time has come to become a man.
I thought you were one getting ovethe sleepwalking and all! If you Feel this is yyour right of passage then take the shine of the jew culture event. Which is kina funn because after you rock your show everyone will leave and the kid wil be like,” Wow, That guy Mike was really cool;Hey where is everyone going?” Then you will get laid at a motel by the hot jewish chicks that follow you. So not only do you steal the shine of this young boy, but you take his sister! Dude, becoming a man is something else! haha LOve you Mike B
-Jesse
December 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hi Mike! Don’t worry, you’ll have at least one big fan at the bar mitzvah. Can’t wait!
December 18th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
My comment: milk is delicious.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
How did you get talked into doing a bar mitzvah? And how can I talk you into doing my wedding???!
December 18th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Excellent diary. Good performance in Philly.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
+1 for including a link to Truly Madly Deeply. It’s normal to want to harm yourself when listening to that song, right?
P.S. You have no idea how happy I am that you’re going to be in Brea in February. Can’t wait.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
dang, your life pretty much rocks…i’ve never even been able to go to a pro basketball game, but not only do you get to go, you get to play on the court and wave people off. ANNNDDD more importantly neither one of us is jewish, but you still get to do a BAR MITZVAH! thats like a cat saying “screw this! i’m gonna be a dog!” i mean, that’s how awesome you and your life is!
December 18th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I can see how you’d be a prime target for bar mitzahs, what with that traditional Jewish surname “Birbiglia” and all. Try not to tire them out too much with the circumcision jokes (The Mohel the merrier, eh?).
I suggest you take all your most racist black jokes and just change them to Jew jokes. They won’t know what hit ‘em (or perhaps what you’re talking about) when you start going off on Jews and their fried chicken and watermelons.
December 18th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Dude, I am a pretty depressed person right now and I forgot how much your journal made me laugh. Thanks!!
December 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
comment: God, I wish I could write like you.
Bonus comment: Do you watch Entourage? Vince did a Bar Mitzvah and Drama got drunk and well, it didn’t end well. The lesson here is leave Joe home.
Double-points bonus comment: Congratulations on failing in such a way that it didn’t look like failure. I wish I had the ability to strategize my life in a similar manner.
December 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Awesome story. I hope someday I will be as cool as you or Joy Bags.
December 18th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Mazel Tov! Or some such spelling!
December 18th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
מזל טוב! According to Wikipedia that means “Mazel tov”! Congrats on your your comedic venture into the world of Judaism. I can’t wait until you go on tour again, write a book, or come out with a DVD. I’m having birbigs-withdrawal.
December 18th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
My basketball strategy as a kid was always this: stand just the right distance from the rest of the kids that it looks like you’re playing, but you never actually have to do anything. If I had actually attempted sports much as a child, I imagine I would have done some serious crying also.
December 19th, 2009 at 12:19 am
A) What cool parents. I hope the kids appreciate how epic you performing at that Bar Mitzvah is. If my parents arranged that I would probably love them a little bit more. That is definitely a parent who’s either a big fan and needs an excuse to hire you, or one looking to buy some love. Either way, definitely the new “cool parent” in the neighborhood.
B) Your plan was very clever and well thought-out. Quite a dignified loss. Bonus for actually coming near the net.
December 19th, 2009 at 2:56 am
I’m sure that Bar Mitzvah is going to be great! Yours is the kind of neutral humor that is general and almost dry, yet it has a freshness, with wry and witful irony. It will not offend, in any case.
Good luck with your gig. And very funny about the basketball throwing. I like your blogs! Funny stuff.
December 19th, 2009 at 10:17 am
It happened!
I don’t understand Jewish culture either. But I do love Olive Garden! I found myself perusing the site after I followed the link.
December 19th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Mike Birbiglia, why are you performing a Bar Mitzvah and not coming to the Maryland, DC area? Why aren’t you touring Mr. Birbiglia? I’ve got a fever for a good laugh and Mike Birbiglia is the cure.
December 20th, 2009 at 10:46 am
mike birbiglia is awesome and did a fantastic job at my bar mitzvah last night! i do hope my son loves me for it, but i enjoyed giving him one fantastic party. thanks mike for sticking through our bad lighting guy–but you rock and every kid loved you. you are the man even if you don’t feel like it all the time. . .
December 20th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
ha! thanks hilary. i talked your son and he seems really cool, which actually defused my biggest fear about the event, which is that it would be in honor of some brat!
December 20th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I watched the video before reading on, and I was with the people yelling at you, “No, you’re going the wrong way!” as you headed to half court. Loved the ending.
December 21st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Mike! When the heck are you coming to Canada?
We’d love to see you in Toronto!
December 21st, 2009 at 9:12 pm
For the record I told your brother that you should use Jew jokes that weren’t TOO anti-semitic. Like you know, make fun of our noses and love of money but don’t make holocaust jokes (leave it up on the blogpost though, because how you make fun of a minority without sounding racist is a great question to ponder). Also, sorry about that asshole of an MC who insulted you when you walked off. Good luck with preforming in the future, can’t wait to see the results myself…
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:21 am
Hey Mike, I enjoyed your diary entry. I have one question, will you ever come do your act in Hawaii? We always miss out on the good stuff. Makes us feel like the bastard children everyone ignores. I will keep looking fof the date you com wiyh great enthusiasm.
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:43 am
If you’re catholic. You became a man if you did the whole confirmation thing man. Did you ever get your picture taken withe archbishop?
December 25th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
We were invited to our first Bar Mitzvah and lied to get out of it so we wouldn’t have to cough up a $200 gift. Wow, maybe we would have fit in? Please come to SC!Some of have teeth and think that Mark Sanford looks like Ichabod Crane. Happy Hanumas!
December 26th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
it is the day after xmas and since no one else has posted today let me be the first to wish you a happy boxing day. i have no idea what its a holiday for but its on my calendar every year so i figured id recognize it for once. of course tomorrow im probably learn that i just said “happy day the jews were almost exterminated” or something….
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:05 pm
The headband just made it for me, lol
January 5th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Mike, I love you. I have always loved you. One day we will meet face to face and you will love me in return.
May 4th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
that was soo totally cool man
May 15th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
My wife and I saw your Saturday evening show in Ybor City (Tampa). Your were teriffic! Without trying to come across as condescending, it made me proud to be a part of an audience entertained by “true,” clean comedy. So many young comics think every other word needs to be a four letter word to be funny. I see you worked a Bar Mitzvah, huh? Mazel Tov!
Dave Friedman
August 12th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
A 76ers half-time game, what an epic way to return to the game that subjected you to a fifth-grade year filled with tears and torment. Congratulations on making it a success.