Dallas, Austin, and a New Secret Journal!
Dear Journal,
I know it’s been a while since I’ve dropped you a line. I’ve been spending most of my time on twitter. I’ve been traveling around to 32 cities and it’s just easier to knock something out in 140 characters. Sorry. My bad. But I’m on a plane to my shows in Dallas and Austin and here’s what’s going on…
Last night I fell asleep watching the David Lynch film, “Mulholland Drive.” I then had surprisingly well-structured, linear dreams. I had never seen a Lynch film, but I had been led to them by reading David Foster Wallace’s book, “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.” Now I want to watch ALL of David Lynch’s films. But I don’t have time. It’s strange how the older you get the faster life goes by and the more stuff you want to get done. You’re like, “What was I doing ages 8 through 14? That was bullshit! I should have been watching all those Fellini films and not watching every episode of Just The Ten of Us.”
I had a strange experience on the road a few weeks ago; my friend Henry and I rented a car in Indianapolis from one of these car rental companies. For the sake of their anonymity, let’s call them “Ravis.” When I picked up the car the woman at the counter said casually, “You know what I’d recommend is the SUV.”
I said, “Sure.” I was in a rush. I thought maybe she knew something that I didn’t. Perhaps I look like a guy who would benefit from the additional lumbar support that only the Chevy Equinox provides.
But when I went to sign the form it said $200, which was odd because the agreed upon total was $130. Usually I’d just gloss over this because I’m in a hurry and the print is so small, but on this day I happened to be wide awake and I noticed the difference. I said, “I’m confused. How come it’s $200 and not $130?”
And she said, “Oh, that’s for the upgrade to the SUV.”
I said, “Doesn’t that seem strange that you wouldn’t mention the words upgrade or how much more you’re charging when you recommended the SUV?”
And she shrugged and said, “That’s what they teach us.”
Henry and I started laughing because it seemed like such a horribly evil thing to teach someone, which is essentially to gloss over the most important piece of information so that you make more money. I said, “Who teaches it, Enron?” I actually said that. Usually I just think of a funny thing I should have said weeks later and then pretend I said it when I re-tell the story so I look like a hero. But in this case, I thought of it right then and felt fantastic.
So then a few weeks later, I rented from Ravis again, this time at the Pittsburgh airport. And using almost identical language, the Ravis employee said, “I’d recommend the SUV.”
But this time I was all over it! I said, “Does it cost more?”
And she said, “Yes.”
And I said, “And you weren’t going to mention that unless I asked?”
And she said, “No sir.”
And I thought for a moment about Ravis’ slogan, which is, “We Try Harder,” and I thought they might want to change that to, “We Try Harder to Take Your Money.” But I didn’t think of that one until a few days later. Let’s just pretend I did.
But it reminded me of these health insurance companies. I talked about it in my “Sleepwalk With Me” show, but I actually have to get this medical procedure done a couple times a year where they insert a rod into my urethra to check on my bladder. It’s extremely painful and awful. And I get to follow that up with paperwork that is possibly even more painful. The last time I tried to understand my health insurance bill I couldn’t get past the part where you have to finish 6 Sudokus in under 3 minutes.
And when my health insurance inevitably denies my bill, and I call to find out why I’m getting charged $3,000, it’s always some cheery message like, “They did the code wrong,” or “Was that really a necessary procedure?”
Ravis could learn some things from these people. If the health insurance companies were renting cars they’d give me a chair to sit in with cardboard wheels taped to it. And then when I’d say, “What the hell is this?” They’d say, “That vehicle provides exceptional lumbar support.”
And I’d be like, “What?”
And they’d be like, “You did not specify ‘engine’ on the form.”
And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal. I promise to write more soon. And if anyone’s reading this, call that friend of yours in Texas. Don’t mess with him. Just call him.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
It happened!
November 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
You’re a hero for us all, coming up with that comeback right then and there. If I could only do that like 3 times in my entire life, I’d be set.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Tough break, Mike. Next time go with “Renterprise.”
November 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
It happened.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
per your twitter request: it happened. Congrats.
Now instead of watching all the films that I’ve been meaning to, I’m going to use all my spare time to dream up zingers to use on car rental people someday when I’m old enough to rent a car. I only have a little less than 10 months, so I’d better get crackin’. Thanks for the inspiration.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
the legal cheating thing doesn’t end at car rental companies. the next time your server asks you if you’d like cheese, bacon or mushroom on your hamburger, you’ve just charged yourself 3 extra dollars. and it’s mandatory- where i work, 2% of your sales have to be add-ons.
also, never, EVER sign up for the two free magazines, you’ll find yourself out $70 bucks most of the time.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I read this. I’ll probably think of something funny to put here later on in the week. By then, though, I’ll think that there is no sense in coming back just to add another comment.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I’m leaving this comment so you know it happened.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Funny. I’ve never seen angrier people than those at the rental car pickup counter. I think they specialize in We Work Harder to Take Your Money Just to Piss You Off.
I’m the same way about the time thing. What was I doing when I was in college and had food service, for instance? Someone else was cooking my meals and I still didn’t seem to have any extra time to watch David Lynch films!
BTW, I saw that 60 minutes with you are being auctioned off to benefit the Moth. If I had any money, I might bid, but given the state of the economy I can pay exactly 5 cents per minute, which isn’t a great rate to benefit a charity. Thanks for supporting the Moth – it’s one of my favorite podcasts.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Just The Ten of Us? Really?
November 13th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Thanks for the new secreet journal. Renatal cars and health insurance…..Ha! The free market to move money from your pocket to theirs……..”We try harder to take your money”…Very funny.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Don’t sell yourself short. There was a valuable lesson in each episode of Just The Ten Of US, namely don’t have ten kids.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
You nailed it! We live in a Ravis country! Sadly, we have to be suspicious so as not to be ripped off. I loved your NYC show.
Natalie
November 13th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
You’re like, “What was I doing ages 8 through 14? That was bullshit! I should have been watching all those Fellini films and not watching every episode of Just The Ten of Us.”
made my day.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
It’s almost midnight… Can I call Scott tomorrow?
November 13th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Your show tonight was absolute hilarity.
By the way, the audience/venue added a wonderful layer to your show.
“He’s mentally retard” Umm..excuse me, that’s strangely offensive to me and I am not easily offended.
But I think the spooky laugh took the cake for spontaneity.
Also, it’s confusing to me which Mike is really you on Facebook. There’s three. Damn imposters! Or… damn you for having 3 profiles. Either way…youre show was great and thanks for comin’ to Dallas! Yeehawwww.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Hey John Mayer, I just saw your show in Austin tonight, and it was amazing! I was a little disappointed when the elderly woman selling your merchandise told me you weren’t going to come out for pictures or anything though, but I secretly suspect that she was lying to me so she wouldn’t have to wait in any lines to get her shirt signed…
November 15th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Saw the show in Austin last night. Absolutely awesome, hilarious! (opening act as well. super funny!) I’ve already said this in other posts, but just so everyone else will know how cool you are… My son and I were heading in to see the show and you were coming out of your hotel. I was just trying to get in and not paying attention, but he stopped you and asked if he could take a picture. Obviously in a hurry, you stopped and did it nonetheless, and even smiled! I missed the whole thing unfortunately. Turned around as I was already down the block! That aside, it was a super fun night, had a total blast! Look forward to seeing you again! : -)
November 15th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Loved your show in Dallas! I hate car rental companies. I rented a van from Rifty for the designated driver at a bachelor party and the van was actually nastier when I picked it up than it was when I brought it back … from a bachelor party! cheap beer, vomit and human DNA evidence when added to whatever was in that van was actually more palatable than whatever that was by itself. They decided that was a good enough reason to charge me zero for the van but they had to charge me sales tax of 8.25% on the value of the rental and that was like $20. I explained that $20 was a fair amount of tax on the van without whatever that was in the van; however the vans with whatever that was in them were worth zero and 8.25% of zero is zero. They agreed and after I left, put $20 on the American Express card I left as a deposit.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Monopoly is only painful and awful when you are losing. Great show in Austin. Best line- “It’s my fucking song.” Come back soon!
November 16th, 2009 at 5:20 am
I am really really sorry about the lack of… “theatre etiquette” Dallas displayed. If it’s any consolation, you were absolutely terrifying when you unleashed the wrath of Birbiglia. That’s something, right?
I realize I will probably not hear back, but I’m really curious as to whether or not you found out what the hell was happening with the attention starved HoB worker (i.e. “spooky laugher”)
November 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
to answer Jay A’s question- the spooky laughter in dallas was an employee who works at the adjoining house of blues restaurant. by the time they got back there he was gone.
January 15th, 2010 at 3:41 am
Since you’re into trying new places, how about ALASKA!?
January 24th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
If car rental companies could use endless loops of “please listen carefully, our selections have changed recently,” and route you from department to incompetent department, they’d shame health insurance companies. But then no one would rent cars. On the plus side, we’d have lower greenhouse emissions. I mean, if you believe in that sort of “science”E stuff.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
i was with my mom in florida and that happened to me too.i live in washington. are you ever going to tour here?vancouver washington not washington dc
January 29th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Mike,
If your still trying to lose 10 pounds; next time your at The Cheesecake Factory share that piece of cake with me. I need to gain 10 pounds.
I’ll leave the tip.
Thanks,
Doc
February 26th, 2010 at 9:00 am
mike, joey wanted me to thank you for the very cool poster you sent him. he appreciated what you said on it also. we framed the poster from his bar mitzvah and will frame this one too. good luck in california.