Okay so here’s the deal.

I get really mad about Ticketmaster fees like you do because…I’m a person. So I tried to get there to be a no-fee day when tickets went on sale for my Painfully True Stories Tour.

They said no.

I tried and tried and Joe Bags and I found a loophole, so starting at noon today through Saturday, they’re releasing 100 FEE-FREE tickets per city for 9 dates on my fall tour through MusicToday. These are all of the shows that include signed copies of my book, “Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories.” (With the exception of Milwaukee.)

Here’s the link to buy FEE-FREE tickets at MusicToday!


Plus, if you buy tickets through this NO-FEE promotion, you’ll also get 2 FREE audio tracks:

1.    ROGER CLEMENS HATES ME (from My Secret Public Journal Live)
2.    TWO DRINK MIKE (from Two Drink Mike)

Joe and I understand your frustration if you already bought tickets with those ridiculous fees, so if you’re angry, email joebirbiglia@birbigs.com with the subject “angry person” and include your address. He’ll send you a signed tour poster for FREESKO.

So how about that? Stickin’ it to the man. Like Tom Petty. That’s right, Tom Petty.

Trying to be Tom Petty,

Mike Birbiglia

P.S. We have some pretty amazing special guests on the tour:

Boston, Philly, DC, and Chicago: Nick Kroll! You might know him from The League on FX or as Bobby Bottleservice – I challenge you not to laugh at this video:

San Francisco: Sketch Comedy Group  Kasper Hauser! Listen to their brilliant spoof of This American Life.

Seattle: Nick Thune! You might recognize this hilarious comedian from this vintage talk show footage.

Portland: Jen Kirman! She is not to be missed in “Drunk History.”

Atlanta, Charlotte, and Durham: John Mulaney! Have you seen his piece on Weekend Update on SNL?  One of the funniest people in America.

Los Angeles, Madison & Milwaukee: TBA (but it’ll be crazy good, because look at the other people)

Hello friends,

We’ve all seen that video footage of that pelican covered in oil that clearly will never fly again and it’s incredibly sad because one of the chief strengths of being a bird is the ability to fly.

As it turns out the pelican in that video clip isn’t the only bird covered in oil from the Gulf Oil Disaster. There are thousands of birds affected and there’s a non-profit organization called the American Bird Conservancy that is working hard to save the birds that we love and let the birds die that we all agree are kind annoying. (This isn’t part of their published mission but I think we’re among friends.)

Some friends and I and some famous people I don’t really know are banding together to support this bird-oriented organization.

Why?

Because sitting on my couch watching the news is depressing. And my friend Anaheed said to me, “We should do something about this.” And I said, “If you can come up with some kind of low commitment charity event with me, some friends, and some celebrities I don’t really know, I’m in.” She said, “Great.” And now we’re doing it.

Here’s where you come in. Tell your friends who live in or near New York about this event. It is hosted by the improv duo Adsit and Gausus. (Scott Adsit is the brilliant actor who you might know from 30 Rock.)

I’ll be performing, most likely making fun of both Ira and MSNBC.

The really exciting part of the night for me is that I (and you!) get to watch This American Life’s Ira Glass interview MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow.  Last fall I saw Ira interview Jeff Garlin at the 92nd Street Y and it was tremendously entertaining.

Be there or…you’re not supporting America.

Love,
mike

P.S. Thanks to everyone who came out to my Sleepwalk Unplugged benefit shows in New York City. We raised more than $6,000 for The Nature Conservancy. That will clean a lot of oily birds!

Here are the show details!

An Evening With Rachel Maddow: Friends With a Benefit
Sunday, August 29th at 7 PM
Town Hall
New York City

Featuring comedians: Mike Birbiglia, Eugene Mirman, Rob Lathan, Jamie Kilstein, Elna Baker, Kevin Townley, Livia Scott, Ann Carr, Stephanie March, and Michelle Collins.

Music by: LUCY WAINWRIGHT ROCHE, BARKUNA and ERIN McKEOWN

GET TICKETS!

Friends in New York,

I’m writing to tell you to grab your freeze pops, flip flops, and sleeping bags, and come out next Wednesday and Thursday to my all-ages “Sleepwalk Unplugged” show at the UCB Theater in New York City. If you missed “Sleepwalk With Me” or your friends did or you want to see it again, this is one of the rare times I’m telling the stories from the show.

Right after this picture was taken, some teenage girls started laughing at me.

Tickets are just $20, and all the proceeds benefit The Nature Conservancy’s Efforts in the Gulf Oil clean up effort.

So pick up your tickets before Donald Trump buys them all and then challenges celebrities to re-sell them on the street for $5,000 apiece. That didn’t work the last time, The Donald!

Please order tickets soon, as these kinds of things sell out.

I’ll see you at the show!

Mike

Mike Birbiglia
Sleepwalk Unplugged
The UCB Theatre
August 4th and 5th at 9:30 PM
ALL AGES SHOW
Proceeds to Benefit The Nature Conservancy
Order tickets!

Dear Friends,

I had a great couple of weeks in Toronto and Montreal at the Just For Laughs festival with my new show, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend.” There’s like a whole different country up there, consisting of all the best students from your high school French class.

As you may know, my book is coming out on October 12th, and in celebration of it, I’ve been doing video-chats with some of the people who pre-order the book online.

I thank them, we share an awkward moment. They ask a question. Sometimes I get pixelated; sometimes the person I’m talking to gets pixelated. It’s amazing. We even taped the best ones, and posted them on Birbigstube. Like this one…and this one!

Well, here’s the deal:

If you buy the book this week and email the receipt here, I will video chat with you JUST LIKE THAT! I will do this with the first 50 people who reply with their receipt, and then if you miss the first 50 cut-off, we’ll still send you a signed poster for the fall tour. Everyone’s a winner. It’s like Vegas. [UPDATE: I'VE COMPLETED ALL 50 VIDEO CHATS, THANK YOU!]

This is the poster for the fall tour. As you can see, I am in serious need of some arm-tanning.

If you want to know if the book is good, just look at the quotes on Amazon from reputable comedy icons like Jeff Garlin, Bob Odenkirk, Patton Oswalt, Nathan Lane, and Seth Meyers and bookish people like Sarah Vowell and Ira Glass. I won’t tell you the book is funny, but I will tell you to listen to these other people who think it’s funny.

It’s funny.

All my love,
Mike bahooski

TOUR DATES

SEPTEMBER

3 University of Notre Dame – Students Only

OCTOBER

12: “Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories” In stores everywhere! Pre-order now!
13: Boston Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
14: Philadelphia Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
15: Washington, DC Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
16: Chicago Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
19: San Francisco Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
21: Los Angeles Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
22: Seattle Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
23: Portland, OR Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!

NOVEMBER

4: Atlanta Tickets Coming Soon!
5: Charlotte Get Tickets!
6: Durham, NC On sale July 23

Hello friends,

Just wanted to drop you a note on my way to Toronto.

I’m debuting my new one-man show “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” which I’ve been performing off the radar in New York City to rave tweets! It’s directed by Seth Barrish who directed Sleepwalk With Me, and I’ll be performing it Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, or as we used to say in French 2, Mercoledi, Jovedi, Venerdi, and…Sabato. We were not very good at French.

I’m also appearing on several “Gala” events in, one of which will be hosted by Louis CK, who has one of the funniest and most original TV shows I’ve ever seen on F/X. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but try to watch an episode if you can.

While in Toronto, I’m planning to see a Blue Jays/Red Sox game. Since I was a kid I’ve wanted to see the Skydome. What a brilliant idea, a stadium that has a sun-roof and a hotel, so you can nap in the middle of a boring game of baseball. I was disappointed when I found out that the stadium has been renamed the Rogers Centre. It begs the question; just how rich did Mr. Rogers get off that show? You put on a couple sweater vests, tie up your shoes, get a traffic light in your living room, and then you can buy a stadium? Well played, Mr. Rogers. Good morning to you!

I enjoy visiting Canada, but it always freaks me out at the airport when I have to trade a bunch of real American money for their pretend Canadian money. That’s a real leap of faith. I worry that when I give a colorful Canadian $20 bill to the lady who works at Le Burger King she’ll look at it and say, “They sold this to you at the airport, didn’t they?” And I’ll say, “You’re not going to give me hamburgers in exchange for it, are you?” And she’ll just slowly shake her head.

All I knew until now is that Toronto is like a miniature, Canadian Hollywood. Last time I was there, I ran into Joel Coen and Frances McDormand in my hotel lobby. By ran into, I mean they entered the lobby and I froze until they left the room. When I encounter people I admire I pull this really slick move where my limbs start shaking and then I can’t move my mouth and then eventually saliva drips out the side of my lip. That’s when I know I’m in. Hello, show-business!

Talk soon, America. I’ll be in Canada for a few weeks. If you need to get in touch with me, just page me at the Rogers Centre. I’ll be sitting in the front row with King Friday.

Love-

Mike

PS. these are two new ridiculous videos I put up on BirbigsTube. One is of me dancing to a street performer playing Kenny G and the other is of me trying on pants at Hugo Boss. These are the best 1 minute videos YouTube has to offer.

Tour Dates

July

• 7 – 10: Toronto Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!
• 15-17: Montreal Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!

August

• August is a great month to pre-order “Sleepwalk With Me And Other Painfully True Stories”

September

• 3: University of Notre Dame – Students Only

October

• 12: “Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories” In stores everywhere! Pre-order now!
• 13: Boston Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 14: Philadelphia Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 15: Washington, DC Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 16: Chicago Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 19: San Francisco Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 21: Los Angeles Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 22: Seattle Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 23: Portland, OR Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!

November

• 4: Atlanta Tickets coming soon!
• 5: Charlotte Get Tickets!
• 6: Durham, NC On sale July 23

Hello mother-lovers,

Today is the day that all my October tour dates go on sale, including Chicago!

Important things to know:

1. With every ticket to the October shows, you will be handed a signed hardcover copy of my new book “Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories.” Writing this book has taken over my life for the last year and I’m VERY proud of it. It is NOT a transcribed version of my act, but rather a collection of funny true stories from my childhood and adulthood, which feels a lot like an extended childhood. The book retails for $25 – and when you buy a ticket to the show it’s FREE!

2. Ticketmaster is not my friend. I once tweeted: “There are things money can’t buy. And Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them.” I get furious about their fees also, and I’ve tried to complain but it hasn’t done much good. But please don’t yell at me about hating Ticketmaster. I can’t handle that kind of anger. I might break.

3. What will the material be for the fall tour? I’ve gotten a lot of emails asking what the material will be for the fall tour. Well, I’m debuting a new one-man show at the just for laughs festival in Montreal and Toronto called MY GIRLFRIEND’S BOYFRIEND. So I’ll be doing a bunch of new stories from that, a bunch of stories I’ve told on This American Life, and some new stories from the book. Also, I’m going to play some guitar at the end of the shows and do some requests. These shows mean a lot to me, so I will bring it. Just look at these user reviews: 4.7 out of 5 stars! That’s way better than I did in school.

In closing, here’s the cover of my new book. I can’t wait for you to read it. And I’ll see you this fall. I’m making plans to come to some cities I haven’t come to in a while, like Atlanta, Charlotte, and Raleigh. And maybe even South Dakota? Kidding.

Love-
mike

Those tour dates I was alluding to earlier…

JUNE

• 25-27 Listen to Mike on a new episode of This American Life!
• 28: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!
• 29: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!

JULY

• 7-10: Toronto Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!
• 15-17: Montreal Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!

OCTOBER

• 12: “Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories” In stores everywhere! Pre-order now!
• 13: Boston Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 14: Philadelphia, PA Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 15: Washington, DC Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 16: Chicago Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 19: San Francisco Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 21: Los Angeles Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 22: Seattle Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!
• 23: Portland, OR Get Tickets! Includes Mike’s Book!

NOVEMBER

• 4: Atlanta Tickets coming soon! (Will not include book)
• 5: Charlotte Get Tickets! (Does not include book)
• 6: Raleigh Durham, NC On Sale July 23rd (Will not include book)

Dear friends,

This fall I’ve got new material, a new book, and a new mesh t-shirt!

There are pre-sales now underway for my “Painfully True Stories Tour.”

For DC, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Seattle, the code is “Tickets” and the pre-sales have started.

For Boston the code is “WT23” and starts at noon on Wednesday, June 23rd.

Also, tickets just went on sale for Portland, Oregon, and tickets go on sale this Friday for Chicago.

To kick off the on-sale, I’ll be sending out free autographed posters to the first 40 people who buy tickets to a show and email their receipt to mikebirbiglia@birbigs.com.

Also, tickets for all these shows include a signed copy of my new book, Sleepwalk With Me And Other Painfully True Stories!!!

Don’t be left out in the cold. Or sitting in raindrops like me in this photo.

See you in the fall, mofos.

Love-

Mike

Dear Journal,

I’m on a plane heading for San Jose for 5 shows. To be honest, I might rather be on plane to Los Angeles…to play for the Celtics in the NBA Finals.

When I was a kid, I was delusional enough to believe this might be the case. Every kid who grew up in the 80s in Massachusetts thought they could be Larry Bird. The legend of the Celtics superstar was that he was not a natural athlete. That he wasn’t even very good at basketball growing up. That he was frankly kind of an idiot, too. Larry Bird was just some dumb, oafish kid who had put his mind to basketball. I remember thinking, That’s like me! I’m an idiot and I suck at sports too! I’m exactly like Larry Bird! I’m going to be in Hall of Fame. These legends of Larry Bird failed to mention that Bird was six-foot-nine and had hands the size of baseball gloves. So I set my mind to it.

I asked my parents to put in a basketball hoop in the driveway. I’d hit free throw after eleven-and-a-half-foot free throw until I was blind. Or I should say, until it was dark.  I was really good at playing basketball alone – Baskurbation. And surely my solo basketball skills would blow the other kids’ minds when I showed them off.

In 5th grade, my friend Pat’s dad invited a bunch of us kids to play basketball at Dean Park. We warmed up, picked teams and the game began. The first ball passed to me I tossed up and it was immediately stuffed by my opponent. “Foul?” I inquired. “No way. Nothing but ball,” said Pat’s dad. I thought, That must be a fluke. That guy’s a great defender. He’s the Magic to my Bird.

Moments later, I was passed the ball in the perimeter and I tried to throw up another jumper. Stuffed. Turnover. I was beginning to lose the support of my team. I was sure Larry dealt with this all the time. After a few more of these “getting stuffed” moments, Pat’s dad pulled me aside and explained that the problem was my stance. I was about five feet tall and the other kids were about five-foot-six, and I was shooting the ball from just below my chest. Thus, it was pretty easy for the defenders to casually put up their hand when they saw me shooting the ball. He showed me how to stand and launch the ball from just above my head. “Like Bird,” he said. Now he was speaking my language.

When the game resumed, I was passed the ball and this time I wasn’t stuffed. But a very unusual thing happened. The ball that I shot did not reach the height of the hoop nor even travel the distance between me and the hoop. It looked like I was playing a different sport altogether, like volleyball. Or shot put. Or some kind of British sport I’m not familiar with. That was when everyone started laughing and I started crying. I find that you really lose the confidence of your fellow basketball players when you cry in the middle of a game. They will not throw you the rock when they see tears streaming down your face. I was like, “I’m open!” And they were like, We know. We’re well aware of your open-ness. “There’s nobody covering me!” We wouldn’t either if we were on the other team, which we wish we were.

I’m on my way to California. Not for the NBA finals, but to tell embarrassing stories like this to strangers. Close enough.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

TOUR DATES!

June

• 17-19: San Jose, CA Get tickets now! Facebook it!
• 22: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!
• 23: NYC – Telling story at THE MOTH Get tickets now!
  
• 24: NYC SOLD OUT!
• 28: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!
• 29: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!

July

• 7-10: Toronto Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!
• 15-17: Montreal Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!

Dear Journal,

Today I’m flying to Denver for some shows at Comedy Works. I’m on JetBlue, which has these nice TVs so that if my plane is crashing I can watch it on the news.

When I was a kid, Colorado was the only place my family would ever go for family trips. As I’m sitting here waiting to board this awful 5-hour flight, I can’t help but wonder what the hell my parents were thinking. This is what they did for their vacation? Bring four children on a five-hour crying-filled flight followed by a two-hour van ride into the Rocky Mountains in the middle of winter? All they had to do was remember just 6 pairs of skis, poles, boots, ski socks, gloves, goggles, as well as hats, neck gators, jackets, ski pants, and long underwear. And my mom was always so cheery about it, she’d be like, “Hop on the plane, kids, we’re going to the mountains, and our hotel’s 12,000 feet above sea level. You may not be able to breathe too well for a few days, but you’re going to race down a mountain at break-neck speeds. We’ll probably wind up at the hospital with one of you!”

It’s so strange that we went all the way to Colorado for that. Couldn’t we have done all these things a little closer by? It’s not like the Birbiglias were especially good at skiing. Like, “Vermont and New Hampshire? Those mountains just don’t have the vertical that we require.”

My favorite thing about skiing was- and I’m not kidding- the pizza and hot chocolate I ate while on top of the mountain. There’s something about eating hot garbage-y items on top of mountains that is so satisfying. It’s the “hot tub then pool then hot tub” effect except with eating.

My parents would stick my brother Joe and me in skiing classes all day, and since I wanted to do everything my brother Joe did, I insisted that I be in his class. Joe was in an advanced class. He’s always been a good skier. As a skier, Joe’s dangerous but not reckless. He’s doing things on the mountain that may result in death, but he’s assessed the risk and made the choice.  I, on the other hand, occasionally dive into the realm of recklessness and have no idea what’s going on.

So I was in Joe’s class and on our first run I picked up a ton of speed and couldn’t stop. Barreling towards our class, I screamed, “I can’t stop!!” I managed to avoid the group, and slammed into a snow-bank next to them. Then I rolled about 40 yards down the next run in what’s called a “yard sale” wreck, leaving my hat, goggles, scarf, skis, and poles along the way at different stops, with price tags indicating the highest or lowest price I would accept for each item.

Our instructor called me “Spaz” and the name stuck. It was catchy. I was Spaz, master of reckless skiing. I had all the moves, the flailing arms, the maniacal scream, and the ability to somersault while wearing skis. Part of me was embarrassed to be a reckless skier, and part of me was like, “I’m good at reckless skiing!”

Crashing hurts, but it hurts less when everyone’s watching and laughing.

My goal is not to crash today.

I’ll have to keep the news on.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

TOUR DATES!

JUNE

10-13: Denver, CO Get tickets now! Facebook it!

14: NYC SOLD OUT! There will be a stand-by line for this show

17-20: San Jose, CA Get tickets now! Facebook it!

22: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!

23: NYC – Telling story at THE MOTH Get tickets soon!

24: NYC SOLD OUT! There will be a stand-by line for this show

28 & 29: Brooklyn, NY Get tickets now!

JULY

7 – 10: Toronto Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!

15-17: Montreal Just for Laughs Festival Get tickets now!

PS. I’m in San Jose next week, drop my brother Joe a line if you can help spread the word, distribute some postcards, order me a quesadilla.

Hello people living in May,

Just writing with a few quick notes:

1.If you missed me on Letterman, you can watch it here.

You can even chime in on the crazy argument in the comments section if you happen to be insane.

2. Tickets go on sale today for my shows in Montreal and Toronto! This show will be the premiere of my new one man show “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” so it should be a very special group of nights. If you live near Toronto, (I’m talking to you, Buffalo) or Montreal (What’s your deal, Burlington, VT?) make a trip for the weekend!

3. In the meantime, I will be doing a lot of the stories from “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” at my upcoming shows in Cincinnati, Denver, San Jose, Brooklyn, and UCB Theater in NYC. (follow me on Twitter to be first to know about those-they’ve been selling out super fast)

Okay, that’s all for now, friends. Book comes out in stores October 12th. Put it in your Calendar. I’m expecting some kind of cake.

All my love,
Mr. Michael Paul Birbiglia