Dear Journal,

I’m on a plane home from Utah on Delta’s special “seats smaller than Americans” flight. This week I went to the Sundance film festival with my brother Joe and sister Patti, the Birbiglia-hillbillies. They like to tag along to whatever trip or shared condo situation they can lock into.

My brother Joe and I are like the Manning brothers. I’m Peyton and Eli, and he’s that brother who doesn’t play football. Joe got me to go skiing this week. He said, “Let’s go skiing! It’s only 96 dollars a ticket. Two please.” So we went skiing, which is really not my forte.

My forte, in case you’re wondering, is watching American Idol while sucking on peanut M&Ms until they’re just the peanut in my mouth. Then I chew the peanut. Then I take a nap.

My favorite part of skiing is those boots. I enjoy the feeling of walking with my feet in two bear traps, without all that messy blood. Once I get those bear traps strapped down and I stop crying, I’m ready to attach those two sharp leg spears and hit the slopes!

The most painful part of skiing with my brother Joe is that he’s actually better at it than me – which really burns me to the core. When I watch him smoothly link turns together, all I can think is, “This is the same guy who wore a bathing suit in the shower until he was 14 years old?” Then I try to think of some way to publicly humiliate him.

So Joe and I get to the top of the mountain. And I follow him down a steep mogul trail. Joe told me to keep my shoulders pointed down the mountain. Apparently he has a life insurance policy on me that’s pretty good and he knew that if I were killed instantly there would be much less paperwork.

So I followed Joe’s form and I was pleased to make it down the moguls. And I’m feeling pretty good about myself, just speeding through the flatter part of the trail. And that’s when it hits me. The trail, that is, hits me…in the face. And then I hear laughing, and then I hear my brother taking pictures with his camera.

And I feel a shooting pain in my right shoulder, the same shoulder I had fallen on in a New York City subway last year – the shoulder that I had spent months rehabbing with a physical therapist. And I’m trying to remember exactly what my physical therapist had told me about skiing…oh yes, she told me never to do it.

And all I can think is, I need a hot tub – I need to be sitting in water that is hot and salty enough to be a very salty soup. So I get into the hotel hot tub – and nothing can go wrong in a hot tub. You can do things rappers do – like drink champagne…and verbally degrade women. The only thing you can’t do in a hot tub, I learned, is have your cell phone in your pocket. I mean, you can do it, but your cell phone is really not cool with it. There’s no amount of any-tub minutes that will bring your phone back from 400 degrees of water being sprayed at 75 miles per hour. If you think sperm can’t live in a hot tub, you should see how poorly a Motorola Flip 4000 does. When I got out of the hot tub, I tried to turn my phone on and it literally started laughing.  Also, my brother Joe was laughing.

But the festival was great. I got to show my film four times. At night I would go back to our Birbiglia-hillbillies condo and we would all watch Showbiz Tonight’s coverage of Sundance-which was very different from the Mike Birbiglia-experience of Sundance. Showbiz Tonight had party footage of Richard Gere and Robert Redford, but all I could recall from our party was watching my brother Joe fill his backpack with chicken wings wrapped in cocktail napkins. On my final night there, our film was awarded a prestigious audience award, which was a complete shock. I had no speech prepared. So I went on stage and stuttered for 3 minutes – it kind of sounded like me skiing.

So here I am sitting on Delta’s flight for 1970s-sized people. I’m landing in 2 hours, spending 9 hours with my wife and cat and then hitting the road for Greenville, Durham, and Louisville. I’ve asked Joe to come along on this trip, because I’m interested in having him watch me do some things he can’t. Like win the Super Bowl. And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

Dear friends from the Internet,

Greetings from the Sundance Film Festival!

The past seven days have been a whirlwind. Last Friday I kicked off “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” tour in Salt Lake City with a sold-out show, and then on Monday I watched my film “Sleepwalk With Me” premiere here in Park City. It went great, and people seem to really like it. There’s some cool stuff online, here and here and here.

You can even view a sneak peak of the movie here and say that you want the movie to come to your town. If you say it, we will pass on the word to people who make decisions in American entertainment.

Right now I’m getting ready for more 2012 tour dates, with shows next week in Greenville, SC, Durham, and Louisville. We’ve rented a tour bus, and my brother Joe has agreed to come along and drink all of my Diet Coke and blueberry muffins backstage. I’ll see you there, the south.

love-

Mike B

And now, an entry from my secret public journal:

No person’s feelings or glasses were hurt while taking this photo.

Dear Journal,

I know it’s been quite a while for us. I’m sorry I haven’t called. Or written. Or really stayed in touch at all. The only way that you could have even known I was alive was that I was occasionally updating my twitter account while drinking. Remember when I worked on the trending topic #booksyoucaneat with titles that included, “A Tale of Two Zitis,” “A million little pizzas” “Don Chipotle,” and “He’s just not into that into Stew?”

The reason I’ve been out of touch, Journal, is that I’ve spent the past 6 months directing a movie. I know what you’re thinking, “Since when does Mike Birbiglia direct movies? He wouldn’t know how to make a sandwich if you handed him sandwich meat and bread and condiments and then forced his hands to do a sandwich-making motion.”

It’s actually not the first time I’ve attempted to make a film. When I was in college I studied screenwriting and decided I would take all the money I earned waiting tables and direct a short film called “Extras.” No, not the wildly successful HBO series that came out 12 years later. Mine was the one that came before that and was much less good and much less…done. As a matter of fact, I never finished it at all because I went into so much debt that I gave up on it entirely and really the idea of making movies at all.

So I pursued standup comedy instead, because even though I was broke, I didn’t have to pay someone to let me do it.

But last year I met up with a company called Bedrocket that agreed to make an independent film adaptation of my one-man show, “Sleepwalk with Me.” It became apparent that I might even be able to finish it – and Ira Glass agreed to produce it! So 6 months ago, I started casting. We got all these great actors: Carol Kane, Lauren Ambrose, James Rebhorn, Wyatt Cenac, and my friends Marc Maron and Henry Phillips. And we shot this film. We shot crazy hours. One week our call time each day was 2 am. So I was waking up at 1 am, working all day, and then going to bed at 5 pm. We were making a movie about sleep deprivation while being sleep deprived, which is crazy. I’m pretty sure when they were making the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they didn’t ask their actors to actually live in Texas. That would be insane.

Making the film took every waking minute of my life, and even some of my non-waking minutes.  Often, after a 15-hour day of directing myself acting as myself playing myself, I would go to sleep and  dream that I was still doing this. And as a sleepwalker, I would act this stuff out in my bedroom. And when my wife Jenny tried to wake me up, I would say things  like, “You’re standing in my light” or, “We’re filming. Can’t you see we’re filming?” And Jenny would say “We’re not filming” And I’d say, “Yes we are. I’m sorry, but we are.”

Even when we wrapped the film and we were editing, the sleepwalking continued. One night I was sleepwalking and Jenny said, “You’re not shooting right now.”

And I said, “I know, but we’re rehearsing.”

We wrapped the film in September, edited it through December, and now we’ve had the good fortune of premiering at the Sundance film Festival, which has truly been a dream come true.

Of course, when I found out I got into Sundance my brother Joe was the first person who offered to accompany me. He jumped on the Internet, found a two-bedroom condo, and put it on my credit card. He even invited his wife and our sister Patti – so it could be a family vacation, just like I always imagined. So while I’ve spent this past week trying to pretend to be a movie star, the Birbiglia-Hillbillies have been running around Park City trying to use my name to get into private parties and get free schwag. I’m pretty sure they’ve been telling bouncers that they’re with the guy from “Extras.”

Dear friends,

I hope this message finds you happy and healthy this holiday week.

This is a big week for eating turkey, watching football, watching bottles of beer play football, tolerating relatives, holding your tongue, camping out in front of Best Buy, sleeping on pull-out couches, and giving thanks this holiday is only once a year.

Right now I’m gearing up for a massive 2012 tour.  I’m bringing my off-Broadway show, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” to theatres and performing arts centers across the country, and I’ve got the first 20 cities right here.

Tickets to my show make great gifts for Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanzaa. Bring your girlfriend, boyfriend, or difficult teen, the one who says you never get her anything. Be one of the first 100 people to order tickets this week, and my brother Joe will send you a free copy of my book, “Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories.” Just forward your email receipt to him at joebirbiglia@birbigs.com. You can put the tickets in the book and wrap that and put it under the tree/menorah/or other culture-specific December holiday on which you exchange presents. Think of it as a gift grenade, just waiting to detonate in the lap of a loved one.  I mean that in the least violent way possible.

Thanks everybody! Can’t wait to see you in the new year. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,
Mike

P.S. If you want me to stop by your school on my tour, let’s make it happen. One of the perks of touring colleges is that I no longer have to host lip synch contests or perform in the centers of walkathons for lupus, which is nice. If you go to college, let your student activities board that I want to come for a show and on-campus tour. You could even start a Facebook group and get some people to join it. That plan may be just crazy enough to work.

The Tour (more dates coming soon!)

January 20 – Salt Lake City, UT Get Tickets!

January 27 – Santa Rosa, CA Get Tickets!

January 28, Arcata, CA Get Tickets!

February 2, Greenville, SC Get Tickets!

February 3, Durham, NC Get Tickets!

February 4, Louisville, KY Get Tickets!

February 13, Minneapolis, MN Get Tickets!

March 2, Green Bay, WI Get Tickets!

March 8, Wilmington, DE Get Tickets!

March 9, York, PA Get Tickets!

March 11, Red Bank, NJ Get Tickets!

March 22, Idaho Falls, ID Get Tickets!

March 23, Boise, ID On Sale Soon!

April 26, Effingham, IL Get Tickets!

April 27, Wabash, IN On Sale Tuesday, Nov. 29 @ 8 AM

April 28, Indianapolis, IN Get Tickets!

April 29, Cleveland, OH Get Tickets!

May 4, Hartford, CT Get Tickets!

May 5, Northampton, MA Get Tickets!

Hey everyone!!!

It’s a big week, but I only have a few minutes to relay this information. So it is brief but INFORMATIVE.

- “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” is extended until June 25th!!! Due to popularity in demand and my unpopularity in high school, people keep coming to the show and I keep doing it! But there are only 18 shows added, so get tickets now. No wait, then. Okay, now.

- Sleepwalk With Me & Other Painfully True Stories arrives in paperback today! You can get it at any bookstore or on amazon for like 9 bucks, which is pretty much the cost of paper. So you could buy the book just to write your own book in the margins.

Also, to celebrate we’re giving a signed copy to every audience member at this Wednesday’s show of My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. This is the most Oprah-like move I’ve pulled in years. The last one was when I brought my 500 person staff to my farm. Also, if you use the code “BOX” you can get a discount. It’s going to be a great night because there will even be a post-show Q&A with author and New Yorker writer Adam Gopnik. I may or may not make fun of him about the inactivity of his twitter feed.

- Simon & Schuster is also giving away 15 copies on Goodreads.com. I like those odds and so does Joe Bags.

- My new Sleepwalk With Me Live CD is #1 on the Comedy Billboard Charts. I know CDs don’t actually exist anymore, but it’s easier to write CD than “ones and zeroes.” But I do think this is the best collection of ones and zeroes I’ve ever put out. So please buy them or steal them with the intention of paying for them later. You know, like a superhero.

- On Sunday night “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” won the Lucille Lortel award for Outstanding Solo Show. I have not won anything since I came in 5th Place at the 1984 Shrewsbury Town Track Meet, and that’s not exactly winning. It’s actually last, but I did get a ribbon (yellow.) I want to thank everyone who’s contributed to making the show a success and everyone who’s come out to see it.

Thanks for the support. So much to talk about but I gotta get ready for my show. I’ll be back soon with a new journal entry.

All my love and appreciation that you still use email-

Mike

Dear friends,

Let me make this brief.

“Sleepwalk With Me” is a show I worked on for almost six years, performed all over the world, and ran off-Broadway for eight months. The show was nominated for all kinds of awards and things, but what’s really important is that I think it’s the funniest album I’ve ever done. And the best album I’ve ever done. I know you’ll get it because you’re a loyal reader of this email, but DO ME THIS ONE FAVOR. Forward this email to the unconvinced. Joe Bags and I have put together two videos. The first is some of the clips from me telling the sleepwalking stories on talk-shows. The second is a really cool animation that our friend did for the “I’m a bear etc.” track.

There is no advertising budget for this album. There is no billboard in Times Square. I’m just hoping that people like this album as much as I do, and that they’ll tweet it, facebook it, and blog about it. Buy it, steal it, murder it. Whatever you have to do. I want everyone to hear it.

Thanks for all of your support over the years. I hope I’ve made you proud.

Love-

Mike

Hey everyone,

A few things:

1. We got amazing reviews for my new show, My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend, including  this one from The New York Times that has a really confusing title, apparently written by Cookie Monster or Yoda.

2.  I’m on Jimmy Kimmel TONIGHT talking about My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. Check local ABC listings. Chances are at 11 or 12 – channel 5. But don’t take my word for it. Educate yourself on local listings.

3. Sleepwalk With Me Live! CD comes out April 19th!!!! I love how it sounds and I love the artwork. To celebrate, we’re giving A FREE SIGNED COPY to everyone who comes to My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend on Wednesday, April 20th. How’s that for a 4/20? Sick. We’re also doing a pre-sale promotion with Newbury Comics and a free track download.

4. Also, this Wednesday Michael Showalter is doing a post-show Q & A with me after My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. On Thursday Michael Ian Black will be doing one! It might even be as awkward as the time we did this or the time we did this.

5. There’s a discount code for $35.50 tickets for Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday shows: It’s “BIRBIG”

And now, a new entry in my secret public journal…

….

Dear Journal,

Sorry I’ve taken so long to write to you. I’ve been busy mounting my new one-person show off-Broadway at the Barrow Street Theatre.

Opening night was little bit like a wedding reception, which I never really had, even though I got the wife part. My wife Jenny is shy and I’m uncomfortable at parties, so instead we took the subway to City Hall and got married and then went to Big Nick’s and ate pizza and hamburgers. We took photos on our camera phones. In my mind it was very romantic.

With a big show, you kind of have to put on…well, a big show. You have to have photographers and family and pomp and circumstance because it has to feel like it’s a big deal.

It really was like having a wedding. My publicist Scott was kind of the wedding planner, not entirely different from Martin Short’s character in Father of the Bride. Scott is perpetually disappointed with how I dress.  He says things like, “Is that what you’re wearing?” with a worried look on his face. And then he’ll say, “No, it’s fine.” Scott’s never told me he’s gay, but last week when he was talking to me, my gay-dar broke. Scott’s done a great job, but I sure wish I knew how to quit him.

My producer Ron is like a disapproving father. He’s never happy about anything with the show and then, on opening night, when we found out the show was nominated for the Lucille Lortel Award for best solo show, Ron shouted, “You’re not going!”

I said, “Ron, what do you mean? It’s big honor. I’ve gotta go!”

He said, “Well, I’ve never heard of it, and you have a show that night, you’re NOT GOING.”

Like a wedding I was, of course, supposed to dress up, which I’m not great at. My brother Joe, who is one the show’s producers, had his outfit picked out for months. He later explained to me that was one of his primary responsibilities as a producer.

But I was getting mine ready 20 minutes before the show. I took a gamble and selected the outfit from my “Sleepwalk” opening night. Seemed to fit pretty well. I hopped on the subway and noticed that people were staring at me. Must be fans. Wait a minute, they’re staring at my ass. Well, I do I have a pretty fantastic ass. They must be fans of my ass, or just ass fans in general. Why don’t I take in a little bit of my ass myself…Oh look, there’s a 4-inch split in the ass of my pants.. I thought, “These pants are defective,” or maybe there was some infestation of moths I didn’t know about who eat chunks of your pants. Then I was like, “No wait, maybe it’s just that my ass is bigger than my pants and I split them.” Fortunately I had an extra pair of pants with an elastic waistband at the theater.

I did my opening night show, got a standing ovation from about 65% of the audience, which would have been pretty impressive, except that 65% of the audience was composed of my friends and family. They would have given me a standing ovation if I had come out and done the Humpty Dance for 75 minutes.

Then, for the next week, the reviews came out. They were great, but Time Out New York, which gave me really nice review, describes my entrance as, “Mike waddles onto stage.”

Hmm. Maybe it’s not just the pants.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

Dear friends,

We’re two weeks into my new one-man show, My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend, and I feel pretty good. I hesitate to say that because whenever I do, I fall down the stairs.  But I will say that it’s going better than okay. It’s going great. As I typed that, I tipped over the coffee on my nightstand onto my shoes.

Anyway, things are fine. I mean, these shoes were already brown. Now they’re two-tone.

This morning at the gym I was on the treadmill gasping for breath and I noticed that the woman next to me had the local news on her TV, and there was this profile of me. She looked over at me, then back at the TV, and then she changed the channel. I’m trying not to take it personally. Perhaps she thought, “I’m just not interested in the one-man show of a guy who runs an 18-minute mile at a zero incline.” Understood, lady on treadmill.

Anyway, sorry I’ve been out of touch, everyone, but here are some answers to commonly asked questions about my new show on Facebook and Twitter. An FAQ, if you will.

What is the Barrow Street Theatre like?

The theater itself has no bad seats. It’s an intimate 200-seat theater in the heart of the West Village.

What’s the show about?

The show is very similar to the tone of Sleepwalk With Me. If you liked Sleepwalk With Me, I think you’ll love My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. It’s a show about love and heartbreak, and includes the completely ridiculous Scrambler story you might have heard on This American Life or seen me tell on Jimmy Fallon. I’m very proud of it.

Where should we eat after the show?

The Barrow Street Theatre is on Barrow and 7th Ave in the West Village. It’s like a block from John’s Pizzeria, one of the best pizzerias in America, and the second oldest in the city. When we moved the show into the hood, we went to lunch at John’s, I told the owner about the show, and that I’d be coming to eat there a lot. I told him about how much I love pizza and it was so over the top that at first it seemed like he thought I was kidding. As the conversation progressed, it became clear that I was entirely serious about pizza and that he too loves pizza. I’m assuming we will become great friends and that one day he will bequeath John’s Pizzeria to me and of course it will be renamed “Mike’s Pizzeria. (formerly John’s Pizzeria)” and we’ll bring in some pinball machines and Post-Pizza Nap Couches™ and maybe some other crap so people definitely know that I have taken over. Until this takeover happens, I will just continue to be a loyal John’s pizza eater.

What is this I hear about opening night and Free Ice Cream?

There are a just few more tickets open to the public for opening night this Thursday. And if you come, you can bring your ticket stub next door and get a free gelato! Deals like this don’t last forever. This one doesn’t even last 3 days! It lasts 2 days.

Thanks so much for supporting the show. If you’ve already seen it and liked it, forward this to your friends. And I’ll see you at the next one.

The guy on the next treadmill,

Mike Birbiglia

Dear Journal,

In the last month I’ve faced a whole bunch of fears. I flew back and forth from Australia, had two X-rays, an MRI, a cystoscopy, lived in a Macy’s window for 7 days and watched the Justin Bieber movie in 3D.

It started with a 22-hour flight to Australia, where I was work-shopping my new off-Broadway show, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend.” To my surprise, 2,000 people came out to see my show. I kind of expected no one to come to my show. As a matter of fact I was pretty open to the idea that I’d be eaten by a shark and that my bloody carcass would be placed on a wooden stool in front of 10 to 15 mildly amused Australians.

When my wife and I arrived in Sydney, the first place we went was the mall because, you know, it’s like the one near my house, except it’s in Australia. At the food court the guy at the sandwich shop says to me, “Are yew Moike?”

And I say, “Yes. How would you know who I am?”

And he says, “Yew tube.” Apparently Australians also enjoy videos of cats playing the piano.

One day in Australia I went to the beach and the waves were huge and I thought, I have got to go in there. Usually I’d resist the urge because I don’t like people looking at me without my shirt on. But I thought, here I am, halfway across the world, aside from that one sandwich guy, no one knows me at all. So I went in.

So I get bounced around in the waves and I feel fantastic. That night I go to the stage door of my show. And there’s this old Australian man who I see every night when I show up. He always says, “G’day” – which I thought was a cliché but apparently is a completely legitimate Australian turn of phrase – no one laughs when you say it. So usually this old man says, “g’day.” But that final night he goes, “I heard ya gat smacked around on the beach.”

And I thought, does everyone know I went swimming at the beach? This foils my whole secret swimming plan! I hope this doesn’t end up on Yew-tube!!

After returning from Australia, I moved right in to a Macy’s window for Downy fabric softener’s Clean Sheet Week Challenge. You know, like every year.

I don’t know if this was as much a fear as it was something I previously knew nothing about.  Before that week I didn’t even know what fabric softener was. If someone held a gun to my head, I’d probably say, “It’s has something to do with softening fabric?” But then I’d be like, “Why are you holding a gun to my head?”

The week started out very laid back – just this idea that I live there and Downy promises that at the end of the week the sheets would smell as good as they did at the beginning of the week. They had me learning from a scientist how it all works and I started to develop this fear: What if at the end of the week, it doesn’t smell good? Does that mean my smell defies science? That I smell worse than science could have predicted?  Well, it turns out Downy won, the sheets smelled great. The only loser was the guy who had to live in a window for a week.

The next morning I had my annual cystoscopy. As you know if you read my book or sat with me on a long bus ride, I had a tumor in my bladder about 13 years ago and it’s never recurred but every year I have to go for what amounts to the movie “Mike’s Bladder: 3D.” They take a camera and stick it into my bladder via the extremity nearest my bladder most popularly used to fight people in communal showers. It’s called a cystocopy. “Scope” of course is the Latin word for camera and “cysto” is the word for, “Wait, what are they doing?” As I understand it, most people get this procedure in the office while they’re awake.  I feel like these people are very good at compartmentalizing. Whenever I’ve tried to do it in the office awake, I can’t help but think about WHAT’S HAPPENING. But I got that done. And it seems like I’m in the clear.

Finally, I saw the Justin Bieber movie. I have to admit, I had no idea who this was, but I completely enjoyed it, though I was somewhat confused about why a concert filmed in Madison Square Garden needed to be in 3D. I am sure that 2D would have been plenty. People are surprised that I went to the Bieber movie. They’re like, “Mike, we wouldn’t expect you to go to that movie.” Are you kidding? I’m totally hip to things 14-year-olds liked a year ago. I’m catching up on Miley Cyrus albums as we speak. What’s that thing with the girl who’s an explorer and her name kind of rhymes with explorer? I love all that crap. The truth is my friends Jack and Sara invited my wife and me along and they’re great musicians, so I figured they must have the inside track on these kinds of things.  I even cried a little at the end, but I think it’s because that was the moment I realized my laptop was stolen.

That’s right, my laptop was stolen – after all the fears I had defeated in the previous weeks, the one thing I hadn’t anticipated could happen actually happened. My laptop was stolen and my last 3 years of writing was not backed up. If you have any questions as to why, speak to my technology manager, Joe Birbiglia. It really was this thing that I had always feared. Losing my calendar, my writing, my emails, my contacts. At first I was crushed. I thought it would take me years to recover. But the next night I just got on stage. And it felt great. And I realized that as corny as it might sound, you can’t erase me. Unless of course, you killed me and shot my ashes into space. That’s kind of like erasing me. But until that happens, I’ll keep getting on stage. In the coming weeks you can see me live in Grand Rapids and New York City. It may not be Madison Square Garden, but I am in 3D.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

Dear friends,

Big news!

I’ve spent the last few months performing my all-new show, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” all over the planet in places like Montreal, Sydney, and San Francisco.

The reviews have been really positive. I know I shouldn’t read them, but I kind of asked Google to let me know whenever someone mentions me on the Internet. That’s normal, right?

The Toronto Globe & Mail writes, “Dead-on laughs and bittersweet”

The Sydney Morning Herald writes, “His compelling wit finds poetry and poignancy in awkward life events we recognize in a moment.”

And The Montreal Gazette insists, “Catch it while you can!”

Now I’m bringing my show to the New York City.

Mike Birbiglia’s My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend arrives at the Barrow Street Theatre next month. Performances begin March 18th, and the official opening is March 31st. Tickets are going to be $49.50 starting the 31st but for the first three weeks you can get them for $35 – you can grab those at 9AM tomorrow morning through Smarttix.com.

I’m thrilled to be returning to the New York stage; this is a really intimate theater and the perfect space for it. I hope you’ll come out to the show.

Hope to see you all there!

Love,

Mike

Dear Journal,

Let me start by answering some questions that people have been asking me.

When is your next album coming out?
March. Sleepwalk With Me Live from Comedy Central Records. We recorded it in Cincinnati and it sounds better than I could have possibly imagined. So excited.

When is your next show coming out?
My new show, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” opens off-Broadway in time for Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure of the date, but you’ll know when I know. In the meantime, I’m getting ready with performances in Brooklyn, Montreal, Sydney, Australia, and San Francisco. I’m really really proud of it. As a matter of fact, I’m working on it today!

When is your “Sleepwalk with Me” movie coming out?
I’m planning to shoot this summer for a very low budget and a very high amount of heart.  (If you like indie comedies, by the way, there’s a beautiful and funny film called “Tiny Furniture” that is opening in about 40 cities this month. Here’s a video chat with me and the director, Lena Dunham.)

Are you shorter in real life than on television?
Yes, but don’t tell anyone.

Now that I’ve answered all those questions, let me ask myself a question:

Why am I in such a rush?
That’s a good question.

Thanks.

When I was in high school my classmates would do an impersonation of me that consisted of just walking very quickly towards something, so that their body was at a diagonal in the direction of the destination. It almost looked like I was about to fall down at all times. It was very funny. For them.

When I look at myself truthfully, it’s clear that I can’t slow down. I wrote about this in my book in a chapter called “I Can’t Stop!” Part of it has to do with an intense fear that I won’t be able to reach the goals I want to reach. My fear is that the people who have reached those goals are fundamentally more talented than I am so I need to work longer and faster.

As a matter of fact, fear dictates many of my decisions.

People always ask me why I’ve never played in Australia, for example. (I’m going there for the first time in January) The answer is that:

A. People might hate me there.
B. It seems like a distinct possibility that I might be eaten by a bird or insect.

I know B seems a little crazy, but I’m reading (or I should say, since I’m not good at reading, listening to the audio-book of) Bill Bryson’s “In a Sunburned Country,” which is a wonderfully written book about Australia. It details that, in fact, everything I’m afraid of about Australia is true. There are insects that can kill you. There are types of seashells that can kill you. There are sharks so large that they could kill you, throw you up, and kill you again and you wouldn’t even realize it.

And yet, I’m going. After all these years of talking about it, I’m going.

Why?

Well, it has to do with rushing.

This week I met with my director, Seth. After that I walked to the subway to catch the E local train uptown to meet a possible set designer for the new show. I was waiting for about 15 minutes on the platform and I was going to be late for my meeting. I was getting anxious, and doing that thing where I step on the yellow “cautionary” area of the platform to stare down the track. As I understand it, this speeds up the train operation by 6 to 8 times. When I’m with my wife she doesn’t let me stand on the yellow part. That’s way off limits. But when the cat’s away, Birbigil-bug will play!  And by play, I mean stand on the yellow part of the subway platform.

So I looked down the track: nothing…but I did spot an E Train coming on the uptown express track, and all that separated me from that E Train was:

1.    A steep flight of stairs
2.    A tunnel
3.    Another steep flight of stairs.
4.    7 to 10 seconds to get there

Since I’m an action hero and my wife wasn’t with me, I figured this would be no problem. I sprinted down the stairs…

Actually that’s all I did.

Five steps from the bottom, I slipped and flew into the air. In mid-air my life didn’t flash before my eyes, but I do remember thinking, “Oh, this is the opposite of what I wanted.” And that’s when my shoulder slammed into the cement floor of the subway station.

And then I sort of writhed around on the subway floor in a heap, clutching my shoulder. To the casual observer I must have looked like a very poor break-dancer, who, instead of music, provided his own low moaning.

Later when I told my friend Stephanie about this fall, she pointed out how dirty that floor must have been. I think she kind of missed the point of the story.

At the time I was focused on the deep, deep pain I was experiencing in my left shoulder, hip, and really entire side of my body. I wanted to just hop up and hold my arms out, and say, “Ta daa!” to all the gathered onlookers, but my body just wouldn’t do it. Part me thought I could quickly mingle in with the onlookers and say something like, “You guys see that guy fall down the stairs? What a loser!”

I couldn’t. I tried, but my left arm holding me up created a pain that shot down my left side that made me want to scream. Moments later, a stranger came over to pick me up and, so as to avoid the pain I just experienced, I shouted, “No! I can’t!”

I don’t know what kind of terrible EMT training that guy had, like there’s a course where they show you how to just pick people up and dust off their pants and they’re ready to go. Maybe that’s all my insurance would cover. I don’t know.

So I waited on the floor for a few more minutes until I realized that I could pick myself up with the other, perfectly un-destroyed side of my body. And that’s what I did. How had I not thought of that 2 and a half minutes before?!

Then, instead of going home, I got in a cab and went to the meeting with the set designer. (I’m telling you, the set is going to be amazing.)

Having limited use of your left arm is frustrating when you’re a lefty. It makes you realize that you really NEED your left arm for things like writing, eating, even-handed row-boating, and several dirty activities that I will not discuss.

Another tough thing about getting hurt is that your family, in my case, my wife, gets mad at you for putting yourself in a situation where you could have been hurt MORE.

She’s like, “It could have been much worse!”

I’m like, “It’s bad!”

She’s like, “You’re lucky!”

I said, “I’m not that lucky. I mean look at me.”

Now I can only wave “G’day mate” with my right hand.

So here I am typing with a sling on my sprained shoulder and making plans to go to Australia.

So why am I taking a 22-hour flight to a country that was founded as a prison and has dangerous creatures every 10 feet?

The answer is: You can die anywhere.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.

TORR DAYTS:

DECEMBER

8: Brooklyn, NY SOLD OUT!

11: Truman State University OPEN TO THE PUBLIC – GET TICKETS!

13, 14, 27, & 28: Brooklyn, NY GET TICKETS NOW!

JANUARY

6-8: Montreal, Canada GET TICKETS NOW!

13-16: Sydney, Australia GET TICKETS NOW!

MARCH

17 Grand Rapids, MI TICKETS ON SALE FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10TH!